THE TOBI OF THE OPERA
by Ash The Digi 010
Summary: A parody of Phantom of the Opera, I was inspired by a Deviantart pic. Sadly, it is GONE!


I do not own the Akatsuki, even though I am act like I am Zetsu. I wish I owned Phantom of the Opera.

I do not sponsor Sasodara, Todara, Deisori, etc. It's just creepy.

_AshtheDigi010 proudly presents…_

_**THE TOBI OF THE OPERA!**_

_Parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera _

The setting: France, 1919

(The contents of the opera house is being  
auctioned off. An AUCTIONEER, PORTERS,  
BIDDERS, and SASORI, seventy now, but still  
bright of eye. The action commences with a  
blow from the AUCTlONEER's gavel)

AUCTIONEER  
Sold. Your number, sir? Thank you.

Lot 663, then, ladies and gentlemen: a poster  
for this house's production of "Cannibal" by  
Halumeau.

PORTER  
Showing here.

AUCTIONEER  
Do I have ten ryo? Five then. Five I am bid.  
Six, seven. Against you, sir, seven. Eight.  
Eight once. Selling twice. Sold, to Sarutobi,  
Hokage of Leaves.

Lot 664: a wooden kunai and three human  
skulls from the 1831 production of "Robert le  
Diable" by Meyerbeer. Ten ryo for this. Ten,  
thank you. Ten ryo still. Fifteen, thank you,  
sir Fifteen I am bid. Going at fifteen. Your  
number, sir?

665, ladies and gentlemen: a paper-mache  
musical box, in the shape of a barrel-organ.  
Attached, the figure of a black puppet in Persian  
robes playing the cymbals. This item,  
discovered in the vaults of the theatre, still in  
working order.

PORTER (holding it up)  
Showing here. (He sets it in motion)

AUCTIONEER  
My I start at twenty ryo? Fifteen, then?  
Fifteen I am bid.

(the bidding continues. SASORI. eventually  
buys the box for thirty ryo)

Sold, for thirty ryo to the Pimp de  
Chagny. Thank you, sir.

(The box is handed across to SASORI. He studies it, as  
attention focuses on him for a moment)

SASORI (quietly, half to himself, half to the  
box)  
A collector's piece indeed . . .  
every detail exactly as he said . . .

He often spoke of you, my friend ....  
Your velvet lining, and your figurine of lead...

Will you still play,  
when all the rest of us are dead?  
And I told that bitch art was forever.

(Attention returns to the AUCTIONEER, as he  
resumes)

AUCTIONEER  
Lot 666, then: a chandelier in pieces. Some of  
you may recall the strange affair of the  
Tobi of the Opera: a mystery never fully  
explained. We are told ladies and gentlemen,  
that this is the very chandelier which figures in  
the famous disaster. Our workshops have  
restored it and fitted up parts of it with wiring  
for the new electric light, so that we may get a  
hint of what it may look like when re-  
assembled. Perhaps we may frighten away the  
ghost of so many years ago with a little  
illumination, gentlemen?

(The AUCTIONEER switches on the chandelier  
There is an enormous flash, and the OVERTURE  
begins. During the overture the opera house is  
restored to its earlier grandeur. The chandelier  
immense and glittering, rises magically from  
the stage, finally hovering high above the  
stalls)

Part1 We meet the players, and the scene is set.

(We have reached the great choral scene in  
which CANNIBAL and his army return to save  
Carthage from the Roman invasion under  
Scipio. CANNIBAL is NAGATO PEIN ;  
SERLISSA, Queen of Carthage (his mistress) is  
KONAN. The two leading  
SLAVE GIRLS are played by HIDAN GIRY and  
DEIDARA DAAE. KAKAZU GIRY is the ballet  
mistress. KAKASHI HATAKE, the repetiteur, is in  
charge.

We join the opera towards the end of SERLISSA's  
(KONAN's) great aria. She is alone, holding  
a present from the approaching CANNIBAL, a  
bleeding severed head)

KONAN (at the climax of an extravagant cade)  
This trophy from our saviours, from the  
enslaving force of Rome!

(A STAGE HAND carries a ladder across the  
stage. OTHERS are seen still constructing  
parts of the scenery)

GIRLS' TALKING  
With feasting and dancing and song,  
tonight in celebration  
we greet the victorious throng,  
returned to bring salvation!

MEN'S TALKING  
The trumpets of Carthage resounds !  
Hear, Konohs, now and tremble!  
Hark to our step on the ground!

ALL  
Hear the drums - Cannibal comes!

(PEIN enters, as CANNIBAL)

PEIN (CANNIBAL)  
Sad to return to find the land we love  
threatened once more by Konoha's's far-reaching  
grasp.

KAKASHI (interrupting him)  
Signor . . . if you please: "Konoh". We say  
"Konoh' not "Konoha"

PEIN  
Si, si, Konoh, not Konoha. Is very hard for me.  
(practising) Konoh . . . Konoh . . .

(Enter SARUTOBI, the retiring manager of the  
Opera, with SASUKE and NARUTO, to  
whom he has just sold it)

KAKASHI (to PEIN)  
Once again, then, if you please, Signor: "Sad to  
return . . ."

SARUTOBI (to SASUKE and NARUTO)  
This way, gentlemen, this way. Rehearsals, as  
you see, are under way, for a new production of  
Halumeau's "Cannibal".

(seeing a hiatus in the rehearsal, SARUTOBI attempts to  
attract attention.)

SARUTOBI  
Ladies and gentlemen, some of you may already,  
perhaps, have met Sasuke and Naruto ...

(the new managers are politely bowing, when KAKASHI  
interrupts)

KAKASHI  
I'm sorry, Sarutobi, we are rehearsing. If you wouldn't  
mind waiting a goddang moment?

SARUTOBI  
My apologies, Kakashi. Continue with you foolishness ...

KAKASHI  
Thank you, monsieur (turning back to PEIN).  
"Sad to return..." Signor ...

SARUTOBI (sotto voce to SASUKE and NARUTO)  
Kakashi Hatake, our chief repetiteur. Rather a pervert, I'm  
afraid.

(the rehearsal continues)

PEIN (CANNIBAL)  
Sad to return to find the land we love  
threatened once more by

Konoh's far-reaching grasp.  
Tomorrow we shall break  
the chains of Konoh.  
Tonight, rejoice - your army has  
come home. And Konan, my love, **Censored**!  
(KONAN shoots him with a gun.)

BALLET GIRLS begin their dance.  
SARUTOBI, SASUKE and NARUTO  
stand center-stage watching the  
ballet. They are in the way. The  
ballet continues under the  
following dialogue.)

SARUTOBI (indicating PEIN)  
Signor Pein, our principal  
tenor. He does play cutely opposite  
Lady Konan, despite the guns they hide in their coats..

KAKAZU GIRY (exasperated by their  
presence, bangs his cane angrily  
on the stage)  
Gentlemen, please! If you would  
kindly move to one side? I would like to see some slaughter!

SARUTOBI  
I will never pay you, Kakazu Giry!  
(leading SASUKE and NARUTO  
into the dance.)

Kakazu Giry, our ballet treasurer. I  
don't mind confessing, Sasuke, I shan't be sorry to be rid  
of the whole blessed business.

SASUKE  
I keep asking you, monsieur, why  
exactly are you retiring?

SARUTOBI (ignoring this, calls  
his attention to the continuing  
ballet)  
We take a particular pride here in  
the excellence of our ballets.

(HIDAN becomes prominent among the dancers)

SASUKE  
Who's that dude, Sarutobi sensei?

SARUTOBI  
Him? Hidan Giry, Kakazu Giry's  
assistant. They are not related. Promising dancer, Sasuke, most promising.

(DEIDARA becomes prominent. He has absent-  
mindedly fallen out-of-step)

KAKAZU (spotting him, bangs his cane again)  
You! Deidara Daae! Concentrate, girl!

DEIDARA

I'm a boy you a-hole! (Throws clay at Kakazu's face.)

HIDAN (quietly, to DEIDARA)

Deiadara . . . What's the f*%^&ing matter? Why did you try to kill my partner in crime?

SASUKE (to KAKASHI)  
Daae? Curious name.

SARUTOBI  
From the Rock Village.

NARUTO  
Any relation to the Akatsuki?

SARUTOBI

I believe I can't say. Always has her head in the  
clouds, I'm afraid.

DEIDARA

I'm a boy!

(The ballet continues to its climax and ends. The  
CHORUS resumes)

CHORUS  
Bid welcome to Cannibal's guests -  
the crustacean of Carthage!  
As guides on our conquering quests,  
Dido sends  
Cannibal's friends!

(the CRUSTACEAN, a life-sized mechanical replica, enters.  
PEIN is lifted, in triumph, onto its back)

KONAN (SERLISSA)  
Once more to my  
welcoming arms  
my love returns  
in splendour!

PEIN (CANNIBAL)  
Once more to those  
sweetest of charms  
my heart and soul  
surrender! Now get on your knees!  
(KONAN wings him in the shoulder with a pistol.)

CHORUS  
The trumpeting crustaceans sound  
hear, Konohs, now and tremble!  
Hark to their step on the ground  
hear the drums!  
Cannibal comes!

(At the end of the chorus KAKASHI claps  
his hands for silence. The crustacean is led  
off. Two stage-hands are revealed operating  
it from within)

SARUTOBI  
Ladies and gentlemen - Kakazu Giry, thank  
you - may I have your attention, please?  
As you know, for some weeks there have  
been rumours of my Imminent retirement. I  
can now tell you that these were all true and  
it is my pleasure to introduce to you the  
two gentlemen who now own the Opera  
Pimpulaire, Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzamaki.

(Polite applause. Some bowing.  
KONAN makes her presence felt)

Gentlemen, Signora Konan Giudicelli, our  
leading soprano for five seasons now.

NARUTO  
Of course, of course. I have experienced all  
your  
greatest roles, Signora.

KONAN

So you're stalking me?

SARUTOBI  
And Signor Nagato Pein.

SASUKE  
An honour, Signor.

NARUTO  
If I remember rightly, Serlissa has a rather  
fine aria in Act Three of "Cannibal". I  
wonder, Signora, if, as a personal favour,  
you would oblige us with a private  
rendition? (Somewhat acerbic). Unless, of  
course, Kakashi objects . . .

KONAN  
My manager commands . . .  
Kakashi?

KAKASHI  
My diva commands. Will two bars  
be sufficient introduction?

SASUKE  
Two bars will be quite sufficient

KAKASHI (ensuring that KONAN is ready)  
Signora?

KONAN  
Maestro.

(The introduction is played on the piano)

KONAN  
Think of me,  
think of me fondly,  
when we've said  
goodbye. (A window breaks.)  
Remember me  
once in a while -  
please promise me  
you'll try. (A mouse commits suicide in the rafters.)

When you find  
that, once  
again, you long  
to take your heart . . .

(As KONAN is singing a backdrop crashes to the  
floor cutting her off from half the cast)

HIDAN/BALLET GIRLS/CHORUS  
He's here:  
the Tobi of the Opera . . .  
He is with us . . .  
It's the ghost . . .

PEIN (looking up, furiously)  
You idiots!

(He rushes over to KONAN)  
Koko! Koko! Are you hurt?

KAKASHI  
Signora! Are you all right? Orochimaru!  
Where is Orochimaru?

PEIN  
Is no one concerned for our prima donna?

SARUTOBI  
Get that snake down here !  
(to SASUKE and NARUTO)  
Chief of the flies. He's responsible for this.

(The drop is raised high enough to reveal upstage an old  
stagehand, OROCHIMARU, holding a length of rope,  
which looks almost like a noose)

SARUTOBI  
Orochimaru! For God's sake, man, what's going on up there?

OROCHIMARU  
Please monsieur  
don't look at me:  
as Manda as my witness,  
I was not at my post.

Please monsieur  
there's no one there:  
and if there is, well  
then, either I'm drunk or it must be a ghost . . .

HIDAN (looking up)  
He's there; the Tobi of the Opera ...

SASUKE  
Good heavens!  
Will you show a little courtesy?

NARUTO (to HIDAN and the OTHERS)  
Mademoiselles and swearman, please!

NARUTO (to KONAN)  
These things do happen.

KONAN  
Si! These things do happen! Well, until you stop these  
things happening, this thing does not happen!

Nagato! Kisame!  
(PEIN dutifully fetches her furs from the wings)

PEIN  
Amateurs!

SARUTOBI  
I don't think there's much more to assist you,  
gentlemen. Good luck. If you need me, I shall be in  
Tanzaku Town .

(He leaves. The COMPANY looks anxiously at the NEW  
MANAGERS)

SASUKE  
La Konan will be back.

KAKAZU  
You think so, messieurs? I have a message, sir, from the  
Opera Ninja.

(The GIRLS twitter and twirl in fear)

NARUTO  
God in Heaven, you're all obsessed!

KAKAZU  
He merely welcomes you to his opera house and  
commands you to continue to leave the snack bar empty for  
his use and reminds you that his salary is due.

NARUTO  
His salary?

KAKAZU  
Monsieur Sarutobi paid him twenty thousand cookies a  
month. Perhaps you can afford more, with the Pimp de  
Chagny as your patron.

(Reaction to this from the BALLET GIRLS.  
DEIDARA takes hold of HIDAN nervously)

SASUKE (to KAKAZU)  
God, I had hoped to have made that  
announcement myself.

KAKAZU (to NARUTO)  
Will the Pimp be at the performance tonight,  
monsieur?

NARUTO  
In our box.

SASUKE  
Madame, who is the understudy for this role?

KAKASHI  
There is no understudy, monsieur - the  
production is new.

HIDAN  
Deidara Daae could sing it, sir.

NARUTO  
The chorus girl? Da F***?

HIDAN (to NARUTO)  
She's been taking lessons from a great teacher

DEIDARA (Frustrated.)

I AM A GUY.

SASUKE  
From whom ?

DEIDARA (uneasily)  
I don't know, sir . . .

NARUTO  
Oh, not you as well!  
(turning to SASUKE)  
Can you believe it? A full house - and we have to cancel!

KAKAZU  
Let her sing for you, monsieur. She has been well taught.

(Deidara plugs his ears to not hear.)

KAKASHI (after a pause)  
From the beginning of the aria then, mam'selle.

DEIDARA (Earplugs are still in.)

What?

KAKASHI

The Aria!

DEIDARA  
Think of me  
think of me fondly,  
when we've said goodbye.  
Remember me  
once in a while -  
please promise me  
you'll try. (The dead mouse is brought back to life.)

NARUTO  
Sasuke, this is doing nothing for my nerves. My ramen is coming up.

SASUKE  
Don't fret, Naruto. I'll kill him before the next show.

DEIDARA  
When you find  
that, once  
again, you long  
to take your heart back  
and be free -  
if you  
ever find  
a moment,  
spare a thought  
for me

(Transformation to the Gala. DEIDARA is  
revealed in full costume)

(Lyrics suddenly change.)

DEIDARA

I've felt the hate rise up in me...  
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...  
I wander out where you can't see...  
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Goodbye!

I wipe it off on tile, the light is brighter this time  
Everything is 3D blasphemy  
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up  
This is not the way I pictured me  
I can't control my shakes  
How the hell did I get here?  
Something about this, so very wrong...  
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this  
Is it a dream or a memory?

I've felt the hate rise up in me...  
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...  
I wander over where you can't see...  
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Get outta my head cuz I don't need this  
Why I didn't I see this?  
I'm a victim - Manchurian candidate  
I have sinned by just  
Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away

I've felt the hate rise up in me...  
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...  
I wander out where you can't see...  
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Goodbye!

(Applause, bravos. Prominent among the bravos, those  
of the young SASORI in the MANAGERS' box)

SASORI  
Can it be?  
Can it be Deidara?

Whoa damn!

(he raises his opera-glasses)

What a change!  
You're really  
not a bit  
the gawkish guy  
that once you were...

(lowering his opera-glasses)

He may  
not remember  
me, but  
I remember  
him...

DEIDARA  
You haven't learned a thing  
I haven't changed a thing  
My flesh was in my bones  
The pain was always free

I've felt the hate rise up in me...  
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...  
I wander out where you can't see...  
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

And it waits for you!

Scene 2  
AFTER THE GALA, IN WHICH WE HEAR SOME FUNNY CRAP.

(The curtain closes upstage. BALLET GIRLS, from the  
wings gush around DEIDARA who hands each a flower  
from his bouquet. KAKASHI stiffly gives his approval)

KAKAZU (to DEIDARA)  
Yes, you did well. He will be pleased.  
(to the DANCERS)  
And you! You were a disgrace tonight! Such ronds de  
jambe! Such temps de cuisse!  
Here we rehearse. Now!  
(It emphasizes this with his cane.  
The BALLET GIRLS settle into rehearsal upstage, KAKAZU  
keeping time with his stick. Variations on this continue  
throughout the scene)

(DEIDARA moves slowly, downstage, away from the  
DANCERS as his dressing room becomes visible.  
Unseen by him, HIDAN also moves away and follows him.  
As DEIDARA is about to open the dressing room door,  
he hears the TOBI's voice out of nowhere.)

TOBI'S VOICE  
Bravi, bravi, bravissimi . . .

(DEIDARA is bewildered by the voice. HIDAN,  
following, has not heard it. DEIDARA turns in  
surprise, and is relieved to see him)

HIDAN  
Where in the world  
have you been hiding?  
Really, you were  
perfect!

I only wish  
I knew your secret!  
Who is this new  
tutor?

DEIDARA (abstracted, entering the dressing room)  
Father once spoke  
of an angel . . .  
I used to dream he'd  
appear . . .

Now as I sing,  
I can sense him . . .  
And I know  
he's here . . .  
(trance-like)

Here in this room  
he calls me softly . . .  
somewhere inside . . .  
hiding . . .

Somehow I know  
he's always with me . . .  
he - the unseen  
genius . . .

HIDAN (uneasily)  
Deidara, you must have  
been trippin' . . .  
stories like this can't  
come true . . .

Deidara, you're talking  
in riddles . . .  
and it's not  
like you . . .

DEIDARA (not hearing him, ecstatic)  
Angel of Darkness!  
Guide  
and guardian!  
Grant to me your  
glory!

HIDAN (to himself)  
Who is this angel?  
This . . .

BOTH  
Angel of Darkness!  
Hide no longer!  
Secret and strange  
angel . . .

DEIDARA (darkly)  
He's with me, even now . . .

HIDAN (bewildered)  
Your hands are cold . . .

DEIDARA  
That's their saliva..

HIDAN  
Your face, Deidara,  
it's white . . .

DEIDARA  
It frightens me . . .

HIDAN  
Don't be frightened . . .

(THEY look at each other The moment is broken  
by the arrival of KAKAZU)

KAKAZU  
Hidan Giry. Are you a dancer? Then come and  
practice.

(HIDAN leaves and joins the DANCERS)  
My dear, I was asked to give you this.

(He hands DEIDARA a note, and exits.  
DEIDARA opens it and reads)

DEIDARA  
A red hair . . . the creepy puppets . . . Little Lotte . . . Good gravy Michael Jackson is hunting me.

Scene 3  
DEIDARA 'S DRESSING ROOM AND RANDOM NONSUCH.

(Meanwhile SASORI, SASUKE, NARUTO, and SAKURA are seen making their way towards the dressing  
room, the MANAGERS in high spirits, bearing  
champagne)

SASUKE  
A tour de force! No other way to describe it!

NARUTO  
What a relief ! Not a single refund!

SAKURA  
Greedy.

SASUKE  
Naruto, I think we've made quite a discovery in Miss  
Daae!

NARUTO (to SASORI, indicating DEIDARA 'S  
dressing room)  
Here we are, Monsieur le Pimp.

SASORI  
Gentlemen if you wouldn't mind. This is one visit I  
should prefer to make unaccompanied.

(He takes the champagne from NARUTO)

SASUKE  
As you wish, monsieur.

(They bow and move off)

NARUTO  
They appear to have met before . . .

(SASORI knocks at the door and enters)

SASORI  
Deidara Daae, where is your scarf?

DEIDARA  
Monsieur?

SASORI  
You can't have lost it. After all the trouble I took.  
I was just fourteen and soaked to the skin . . .

DEIDARA  
Because you had run into the sea to fetch my scarf.  
Oh, Sasori. So it is you!

SASORI  
Deidara.

(They embrace and laugh. He moves away and sits at his  
dressing table.)

SASORI  
"Little Lotte let her mind wander . . ."

DEIDARA  
I hoped you wouldn't remember that, too . . .

SASORI (continuing)  
". . . Little Lotte thought: Am I fonder  
of dolls . . ."

BOTH (DEIDARA joining in, tiredly)  
". . . or of goblins,  
of shoes . . ."

DEIDARA  
". . . or of riddles.  
of frocks . . ."

SASORI  
Those picnics in the attic . . .  
". . . or of chocolates . . ."

DEIDARA  
Father playing the violin . . .

SASORI  
As we read to each other  
dark stories of the North . . .

DEIDARA  
"No what I love best, Lotte said,  
is when I'm asleep in my bed,  
and the Angel of Darkness sings songs in my  
head!"

BOTH  
". . . the Angel of Darkness sings song in my  
head!"

DEIDARA (turning in his chair to look at him)  
Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the  
Angel of Darkness to you". Well, father is dead, Sasori, and  
I have been visited by the Angel of Darkness.

SASORI  
No doubt of it. And now we'll go to supper!

DEIDARA  
No, Sasori, the Angel of Darkness is very strict.

SASORI  
I shan't keep you up late!

DEIDARA  
No, Sasori . . .

SASORI  
You must change. I must get my hat. Two minutes Little  
Lotte.

(He hurries out)

DEIDARA (calling after him)  
Sasori! That damn puppet….

(quietly picking up his hand mirror. His hands start chewing on it.)

Things have changed, Sasori.

(Tremulous music. DEIDARA hears the  
TOBI'S voice, seemingly from behind her dressing  
room mirror)

TOBI'S VOICE  
Insolent puppet!  
This slave  
of immortality  
basking in your  
glory!

Ignorant fool!  
This brave  
young suitor,  
sharing in my  
triumph!

DEIDARA (spell-bound)  
Angel! I hear you!  
Speak -  
I listen . . .  
stay by my side,  
guide me!

Angel, my soul was weak -  
forgive me . . .  
enter at last,  
Master!

TOBI'S VOICE  
Flattering child,  
you shall know me,  
see why in shadow  
I hide!

Look at your face  
in the mirror -  
I am there  
inside!

(The figure of the TOBI becomes discernible  
behind the mirror, lollipop in hand.)

DEIDARA (ecstatic)  
Holy Shit!

Angel of Darkness!  
Guide and guardian!  
Grant to me your  
glory!

Angel of Darkness!  
Hide no longer!  
Come to me, strange  
angel...

TOBI"S VOICE  
I am your Angel ...  
Come to me: Angel of Darkness ...  
(Licks lollipop somehow.)

(DEIDARA walks towards the glowing,  
shimmering glass. He hits it hard, and tries again. Meanwhile, SASORI has  
returned. He hears the voices and is puzzled. He  
tries the door It is locked)

SASORI  
Whose is that voice . . .?  
Who is that in there . . .?

(Inside the room the mirror opens. Behind it, in  
an inferno of white light, stands the TOBI.  
He reaches forward and takes DEIDARA firmly,  
but not fiercely, by the wrist. His touch is cold,  
and DEIDARA gasps)

TOBI  
I am your Angel of Darkness . . .  
Come to me: Angel of Darkness . . .  
(Bites lollipop, again mysteriously.)

(DEIDARA disappears through the mirror,  
which closes behind Him. The door of the dressing  
room suddenly unlocks and swings open, and  
SASORI enters to find the room empty)

SASORI  
Christine! Angel! Get me my Sandaime Kazekage! Hunt them down!

Scene 4  
THE LABYRINTH UNDERGROUND/ IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO GET TO A PLACE.

(The TOBI and DEIDARA take their  
strange journey to the PHANTOM'S lair. Candles  
rise from the stage. We see DEIDARA and the  
TOBI in a boat which moves slowly across  
the misty waters of the underground lake)

DEIDARA  
In sleep  
he sang to me,  
in dreams  
he came . . .  
that voice  
which calls to me  
and speaks  
my name . . .

And do  
I dream again?  
For now  
I find  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is there -  
inside my mind . . .  
(They transfer over to a horse.)

TOBI  
Sing once  
again with me  
our strange  
duet . . .  
My power  
over you  
grows stronger  
yet . . .

And though  
you turn from me,  
to glance  
behind,  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is there -  
inside your mind . . .

(A passing golden candle holder knocks the TOBI into the water, but he quickly gets back in.)

DEIDARA  
Those who  
have seen your face  
draw back  
in fear . . .  
I am  
the mask you wear . . .

TOBI  
It's me  
they hear . . .

BOTH  
Your/my spirit  
and your/my voice,  
in one  
combined:  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is there  
inside your/my mind . . .

OFFSTAGE VOICES (belonging to ITACHI {Temporarily} and HINATA.)  
He's there,  
the Tobi of the Opera . . .  
Beware  
the Tobi of the Opera . . .

TOBI  
In all  
your fantasies,  
you always  
knew  
that man  
and mystery . . .

DEIDARA  
. . . were both  
in you . . .

BOTH  
And in  
this labyrinth,  
where night  
is blind,  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is there/here  
inside your/my mind . . .

Sing, my Angel of Darkness!

DEIDARA  
He's there,  
the Tobi of the Opera . . .

(He begins to vocalise strangely, his song becoming  
more and more extravagant, but pauses.)

DEIDARA

Are we there yet?

TOBI

No.

DEIDARA

Are we there yet?

TOBI

NO.

DEIDARA (Seductively.)

If I flash my thighs, possibly more, would we get there faster?

TOBI (Extremely happy.)

YES!

DEIDARA  
Too bad bitch.

Scene 5  
BEYOND THE LAKE THE NEXT MORNING/OR SO YOU THINK.

(Finally they arrive in the TOBI'S lair. Downstage  
the candles in the lake lift up revealing giant  
candelabrums outlining the space. The boat turns into a  
bed. There is a huge pipe organ. The TOBI sits at  
the organ and takes over the accompaniment)

TOBI  
I have brought you

to the seat of sweet music's throne.

To this kingdom where all must pay homage to music

Music….

You have come here,

for one purpose, and one alone

Since the moment I first heard you sing,

I have needed you with me,

to serve me, to sing,

for my music...

My music...

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.

Silently the senses abandon their defences

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.

Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender.

Turn your face away from the garish light of day,

Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -

and listen to the music of the night...

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!

Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!

Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!

And you'll live as you've never lived before,

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you

Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you

Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,

in this darkness that you know you cannot fight,

the darkness of the music of the night.

Let your mind start a journey

through a strange, new world!

Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!

Let your soul take you where you long to be!

Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!

Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation!

Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in

To the power of the music that I write

The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight,

Help me make the music of the night!

(During all this, the TOBI has conditioned  
DEIDARA to the coldness of his touch and his fingers  
are brave enough to stray to the mask and caress it, with  
no hint of removing it. The TOBI leads him to a  
large mirror from which he removes a dust cover and in  
which we see the image of DEIDARA, a perfect wax-  
face impression, wearing a wedding gown. DEIDARA  
moves slowly towards it mouthing "I'm a guy." when suddenly the image thrusts  
its hands through the mirror towards him. He sets it ablaze. The  
TOBI K.O.'s him and carries him to the bed, where  
he lays him down.)

TOBI  
You alone can make my song take flight -  
help me make the music of the night . . .

Scene 6  
THE NEXT MORNING  
(As the light brightens, we see the TOBI seated at a toy piano playing with furious concentration. He breaks  
off occasionally to write the music down. There is a  
musical box in the shape of a cymbal playing puppet beside the bed.  
Mysteriously, it plays as DEIDARA  
wakes up. The music keeps him in a half-trance)

DEIDARA  
I remember  
there was mist . . .  
swirling mist  
upon a vast, glassy lake . . .

There were candles  
all around  
and on the lake there  
was a boat,  
and in the boat  
there was a good boy . . .

(He rises and approaches the TOBI who does not  
see him. As he reaches for his mask, he turns, almost  
catching him. This happens several times)

Who was that shape  
in the shadows?  
Whose is the face  
in the mask?

(He finally succeeds in tearing the mask from his face.  
The TOBI springs up and rounds on her furiously.  
He clearly sees his face. The audience does not, as he is  
standing in profile and in shadow)

DEIDARA

Holy shit! Itachi!

ZETSU

CUT! STOP THE STORY! (ZETSU walks on stage, furious.)

ZETSU

Not was not in the script. Are you crazy? I did not write that! Get it right please! (Opera resumes.)

DEIDARA

Holy shit!

TOBI  
Damn you!  
You little prying  
Puma!  
You little terrorist -  
is this what you wanted to see?

Curse you!  
You little Lying  
Donkey!  
You little viper!  
now you cannot ever be free!

Damn you . . .  
Curse you . . .

(a pause)

Stranger  
than you dreamt it -  
can you even  
dare to look  
or bear to  
think of me:  
this loathsome  
gargoyle, who  
burns in health food, but secretly  
yearns for cookies,  
secretly . . .  
secretly . . .

But, Deidara . . .

Fear can  
Turn to love - you'll  
learn to see, to  
find the man  
behind the  
monster: this . . .  
repulsive  
carcass, who  
seems a beast, but secretly  
dreams of beauty,  
secretly . . .  
secretly . . .

Oh, Deidara . . .

DEIDARA

Are you sure you're sane?

TOBI

The Tobi is a good Phantom!

(He holds out his hand tor the mask, which he gives to  
him. He puts it on, turning towards the audience as he  
sings):

Come we must return -  
those two genin  
who run my theatre  
will be missing you.

(The lair sinks into the floor as the TOBI and  
DEIDARA leave)

Scene 7  
BACKSTAGE/ OROCHIMARU SCARES SOME TEEN GIRLS.  
(OROCHIMARU mysteriously appears, a length of fabric  
serving as a cloak, and a piece of rope as the Punjab  
lasso. He is showing off to the BALLET GIRLS)

OROCHIMARU  
Like yellow parchment  
is his skin . . .  
a great black hole serves as his one eye . . .

(Demonstrating his method of self-defence against the  
Punjab lasso, he inserts his hand between his neck and  
the noose, and then pulls the rope taut. With a mixture of  
horror and delight, the BALLET GIRLS applaud this  
demonstration)

(explaining to them)  
You must be always  
on your guard,  
or he will catch you with his  
magical lasso!

(A trap opens up centre stage casting a shadow of the  
TOBI as he emerges. The GIRLS, linking hands,  
run off terrified. The TOBI, leading DEIDARA,  
fixes his stare on OROCHIMARU. Sweeping his cape around  
DEIDARA, he exits with her But before they go KAKAZU  
has entered, observing. He turns on OROCHIMARU)

KAKAZU  
Those who speak  
of what they know  
find, too late, that prudent  
silence is wise.  
Orochimaru,  
hold your tongue  
he will drown you with the  
water style he knows . . .

Scene 8  
THE MANAGERS' OFFICE/LETTERS TO THE DUMB  
(Desk, chairs, papers. NARUTO is scornfully eyeing a  
newspaper article)

NARUTO  
"Mystery  
after gala night,"  
if says, "Mystery  
of soprano's flight!"

"Mystified  
baffled Surete say,  
we are mystified -  
we suspect foul play!"

(He lowers the paper)

Bad news on  
soprano scene -  
first Konan,  
now Deidara!  
Still, at least  
the seats get sold  
gossip's worth  
its weight in gold . . . (quickly adds under his breath "Gold naked women that is.")

What a way to  
run a business!  
Spare me these  
unending trials!  
Half your cast disappears,  
but the crowd still cheers!  
Opera!  
To hell with Gluck and Handel -  
It's a scandal that'll  
pack 'em in the aisles!

(SASUKE bursts in, in a temper)

SASUKE  
Damnable!  
Will they all walk out?  
This is damnable!

NARUTO  
Sasuke, please don't shout . . .

It's publicity!  
And the take is vast!  
Free publicity!

SASUKE  
But we have no cast . . .

NARUTO (calmly)  
What joo talkin' bout?

But wait Sasuke,  
have you seen the queue?

(He has been sorting mail on his desk. Finding the two  
letters from the TOBI):

Oh, it seems  
you've got one too . . .

(He hands the letter to SASUKE, who opens it and reads):

SASUKE  
"Dear Sasuke  
what a charming gala!

I wouldn't expect less from a Uchiha! (SASUKE twitches.)  
Deidara enjoyed a great success!  
We were hardly bereft  
when Konan left -  
otherwise  
the chorus was entrancing,  
but the dancing was a  
lamentable mess!"

NARUTO (reading his)  
"Dear Naruto,  
just a brief reminder:  
my salary has not been paid.  
Send it care of the ninja,  
by return of post  
P.T.O.:  
No-one likes a debtor,  
so it's better if my  
orders are obeyed!"

NARUTO/SASUKE  
Who would have the gall  
to send this?  
Someone with a puerile brain!

NARUTO (examining both letters)  
These are both signed "A.G.B." . . .

SASUKE  
Who the hell is he?

BOTH (immediately realizing)  
A Good Boy!

NARUTO (unamused)  
It's really not amusing!

SASUKE  
He's abusing  
our position!

NARUTO  
In addition  
he wants candy!

SASUKE  
He's a funny  
sort of spectre . . .

BOTH  
. . . to expect a  
large retainer!  
Nothing plainer -  
he is clearly quite insane!

(They are interrupted by the arrival of SASORI, who  
brandishes another of the TOBI'S notes)

SASORI  
Where is he?

SASUKE  
You mean Konan?

SASORI  
I mean Mister Daae -  
where is he?

NARUTO  
Well, how should we know?

SASORI  
I want an answer -  
I take it that you sent me this note?

NARUTO  
What's all this nonsense?

SASUKE  
Of course not!

NARUTO  
Don't look at us!

SASORI  
He's not with you, then?

NARUTO  
Of course not!

SASUKE  
We're in the dark . . .

SASORI  
Monsieur, don't argue -  
Isn't this the  
letter you wrote?

NARUTO  
And what is it, that we're  
meant to have wrote?

(Realizing his mistake)

Written !  
(SASORI hands the note to SASUKE, who reads it)

SASUKE  
"Do not fear for Mister Daae.  
The Angel of Darkness  
has him under his wing.  
Make no attempt to see him again."

(The MANAGERS look mystified)

SASORI  
If you didn't write it, who did?

(KONAN bursts in. She too has a letter, which has  
cheered her no more than the others)

KONAN  
Where is he?

SASUKE  
Ah, welcome back!

KONAN  
Your precious patron -  
where is he?

SASORI  
What is it now?

KONAN (to SASORI)  
I have your letter -  
a letter which I  
rather resent!

NARUTO (to SASORI)  
And did you send it?

SASORI  
Of course!

NARUTO  
What!

SASORI

I sent her a letter describing, at length how Itachi Uchiha, due to near blindness, was not to work the sound, and was taking over for the managers with Kisame!

KONAN  
So didn't send this letter about me being warned?

SASORI  
Of course not!

NARUTO  
What's going on . . .? Why are we fired? (Is dragged off screen.)

ITACHI (Off camera)

No questions, move it! (ITACHI takes over his role, as KISAME takes SASUKE's)

Hey Boss! We got the nine tails!

PEIN (appearing suddenly)

Good! Seal it up!

KONAN (ignoring them and motioning to SASORI)  
You dare to tell me,  
that this is not the  
letter you sent ? !

SASORI  
And what is it that I'm  
meant to have sent?

(SASORI takes the letter and reads it)

"Your days  
at the Opera Pimpulaire are numbered.  
Deidara Daae  
will be singing on your behalf tonight.  
Be prepared  
for a great misfortune,  
should you attempt  
to take his place.

P.S. Your art SUCKS. Paper butterflies are for pansies."

(The MANAGERS are beginning to tire of the intrigue)

KISAME/ITACHI  
Far too many  
notes for my taste -  
and most of them  
about Deidara!  
All we've heard since we came  
is Miss Daae's name . . .

(KAKAZU suddenly appears, accompanied by HIDAN)

KAKAZU  
Miss Daae has returned. And he's a boy! Geez…

ITACHI (drily)  
I trust her midnight oil  
is well and truly burned.

KISAME  
Where precisely is she now?

KAKAZU(Irately, as Deidara is a guy.)  
I thought it best  
that he went home . . .

HIDAN  
He needed rest. And if you bug her, it's your own m*****f***ing fault!

SASORI  
May I see him?

KAKAZU

Did you not hear swearboy?  
No, monsieur,  
he will see no-one.

KONAN  
Will he sing?  
Will he sing?

KAKAZU  
Here, I have a note . . .

SASORI/KONAN/KISAME  
Let me see it!

ITACHI (snatching it)  
Please! You don't have enough hate to read this.

(In the wings, ZETSU bangs his head against the wall.)

ITACHI (Opens the letter and reads. The TOBI'S  
voice gradually takes over)  
"Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the  
most amiable nature, detailing how my theatre is to be  
run. You have not followed my instructions.  
I shall give you one last chance . . ."

TOBI'S VOICE (taking over)  
Deidara Daae has returned to you,  
and I am anxious his career  
should progress.  
In the new production of "Il Muto",  
you will therefore cast Konan  
as the Pageboy, and put Mister Daae  
in the role of Countess.  
The role which Mister Daae plays  
calls for charm and appeal.  
The role of the Pageboy is silent -  
which makes my casting,  
in a word  
ideal.

I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in  
the snack bar, which will be kept empty for me. Should  
these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your  
imagination will occur. And I want a lollipop.

ITACHI (taking over)  
"I remain, Gentlemen,  
Your obedient servant, A.G.B."

KONAN  
Deidara!

KISAME  
Whatever next . . .?

KONAN  
It's all a ploy to help Deidara!

ITACHI  
This is insane . . .

KONAN  
I know who sent this:  
(pointing an accusing finger)  
The Pimp - her lover!

ZETSU (Suddenly popping out from the wings.)

You're pointing at me! And he's a BOY.

SASORI (resuming ironically)  
Indeed?  
(to the OTHERS)  
Can you believe this?

KISAME  
YES!

KISAME (to KONAN, in protest)  
Signora!

KONAN (half to the MANAGERS, half to herself)  
O traditori!

ITACHI (to KONAN)  
This is a joke!

KISAME  
This changes nothing!

KONAN  
O mentitori!

ITACHI  
Signora!

KISAME  
You are our star!

ITACHI  
And always will be!

KISAME  
Signora . . .

ITACHI  
The man is mad!

KISAME  
We don't take orders!

(PEIN suddenly appears again.)

PEIN

Go catch the 5 tails.

KISAME

Yes sir.

ITACHI (announcing it to EVERYONE)  
Miss Daae will be playing  
the Pageboy - the silent role . . .

KISAME/ITACHI  
Konan will be playing  
the lead!

KONAN (waxing melodramatic)  
It's useless trying to  
appease me!  
You're only saying this  
to please me!  
Signori, e vero?  
Non, non, non voglio udire !  
Lasciatemi morire!  
O padre mio!  
Dio!

HIDAN

What the hell did she say?

KAKAZU

Who cares?  
Who scorn his word,  
beware to those . . .

KONAN (to MANAGERS)  
You have reviled me!

KAKAZU  
The angel sees,  
the angel knows . . .

SASORI  
Why did Deidara  
fly from my arms . . .?

KONAN  
You have rebuked me!

KISAME/ITACHI  
Signora, pardon us . . .

KONAN  
You have replaced me!

KISAME/ITACHI  
Please, Signora,  
we beseech you . . .

KAKAZU  
This hour shall see  
your darkest fears . . .

HIDAN/SASORI  
I must see him . . .

KONAN  
Abbandonata!  
Deseredata!  
0, sventurata!

KAKAZU (Trying to ignore fake words said by KONAN)  
The angel knows,  
the angel hears . . .

SASORI  
Where did he go . . .?

KONAN  
Abbandonata!  
Disgraziata!

KISAME/ITACHI  
Signora, sing for us!  
Don't be a martyr . . .

SASORI/KAKAZU/HIDAN  
What new surprises  
lie in store . . .?

KISAME/ITACHI  
Our star . . .!

KONAN  
Non vo' cantar!

(ALL look at KONAN, as the MANAGERS approach  
her lovingly)

KISAME  
Your public needs you!

ITACHI  
We need you, too!

KONAN (unassuaged)  
Would you not  
rather have your  
precious little  
ingenue?

KISAME/ITACHI  
Signora, no! (Yes.)  
the world wants you!

(The MANAGERS adopt their most persuasive attitudes, which are pretty weak in KISAME's case.)

KISAME/ITACHI  
Prima donna  
first lady of the stage!  
Your devotees  
are on their knees  
to implore you!

KISAME  
Can you bow out  
when they're shouting  
your name?

ITACHI  
Think of how they all  
adore you!

BOTH  
Prima donna,  
enchant us once again!

KISAME  
Think of your art . . .

ITACHI  
And of the queues ($$$ Go off in his head.)  
round the theatre!

BOTH  
Can you deny us the triumph  
in store?  
Sing, prima donna, once more!

(KONAN registers her acceptance as the  
MANAGERS continue to cajole and the OTHERS reflect  
variously on the situation)

SASORI (Yes, he's still here.)  
Deidara spoke of an angel . . .

KONAN (to herself, in triumph)  
Prima donna  
your song shall live again!

KISAME/ITACHI (to KONAN)  
Think of your public!

KONAN  
You took a snub  
but there's a public  
who needs you!

KAKAZU (referring to DEIDARA, while $$ go off in his head too.)  
He has heard the voice  
of the angel of music . . .

SASUKE/ITACHI (to KONAN)  
Those who hear your voice  
liken you to an angel!

KONAN  
Think of their cry  
of undying  
support !

SASORI  
Is this his angel of music . . .?

KISAME (to ITACHI)  
We get our opera . . .

ITACHI (to KISAME)  
He gets his limelight!

KONAN  
Follow where the limelight  
leads you!

HIDAN  
Is this ghost  
an angel or a madman . . .?

SASORI  
Angel or madman . . .?

KISAME/ITACHI (aside)  
Leading ladies are a trial!

HIDAN  
Heaven help you,  
those who doubt . . .

KONAN  
You'll sing again,  
and to unending  
ovation!

SASORI  
Orders! Warnings!  
Lunatic demands!

HIDAN  
This miscasting  
will invite damnation . . .

KISAME/ITACHI  
Tears . . . oaths . . .  
Lunatic demands  
are regular occurrences!

HIDAN  
Slaughter or damnation?  
Which has claimed him . . .?

KONAN  
Think how you'll shine  
in that final encore!  
Sing, prima donna,  
once more!

KAKAZU  
Oh fools, to have flouted his warnings!

SASORI  
Surely, for his sake . . .

HIDAN  
Surely he'll strike back . . .

KISAME/ITACHI  
Surely there'll be further scenes -  
worse than this! And longer too!

KAKAZU  
Think, before  
these demands are rejected!

SASORI  
. . .I must see  
these demands are rejected! WITH MUSKETS AND SHIT! And a couple of puppets.

HIDAN  
. . . if his threats  
and demands are rejected Jashin shall strike!

KISAME/ITACHI  
Who'd believe a diva  
happy to relieve a chorus girl,  
who's gone and slept with the pimp?  
Sasori and the soubrette,  
entwined in love's duet!  
Although he may demur,  
he must have been with her!

HIDAN/SASORI  
Deidara is a dude!/I never slept with him!

KONAN  
0, fortunata!  
Non ancor  
abbandonata!

KISAME/ITACHI  
You'd never get away  
with all this in a play,  
but if it's loudly sung  
and in a foreign tongue  
it's just the sort of story  
audiences adore,  
in fact a perfect opera! (ZETSU, in the wings, smiles mouthing "That's what I'm doing.")

SASORI  
His game is over!

KAKZU  
This is a game  
you cannot hope to win!

SASORI  
And in the Snack Bar  
a new game will begin . . .

KAKAZU  
For, if his curse is on this opera . . .

HIDAN  
But if his curse is on this opera . . .

KISAME/ITACHI  
Prima donna  
the world is at your feet!  
A nation waits,  
and how it hates  
to be cheated!

KONAN  
The stress that falls upon a  
famous prima donna!  
Terrible diseases,  
coughs and colds and sneezes!  
Still, the dryest throat  
will reach the highest note,  
in search of perfect  
opera!

HIDAN/KAKAZU  
. . . then I fear the outcome will be terrible, filled with stupid things. . .

SASORI  
Deidara plays the Pageboy,  
Konan plays the Countess . . .

KAKAZU  
. . . should you dare to . .

HIDAN  
. . . when you once again . . .

ALL  
Light up the stage  
with that age old  
rapport!  
Sing, prima donna,  
once more!

TOBI'S VOICE  
So, it is to be war between us! If these demands are not  
met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur!

ALL  
Once more!

Scene 9

A PERFORMANCE OF 'MUTO IL' BY BALARIZZIO/ OUR OPERA FALLS APART  
(During the overture SASORI, KISAME and ITACHI take  
their respective seats - SASORI in the Snack Bar, the  
MANAGERS in a box opposite)

SASORI  
Gentlemen, if you would care to take your seats? I shall  
be sitting in the Popcorn maker.

KISAME  
Do you really think that's wise, monsieur? You'll get butter on yourself!

SASORI  
My dear Kisame, there would appear to be no seats  
available, other than the Snack Bar, and butter is no problem . . .

(The front cloth rises to reveal an 18th Century salon, a  
canopied bed centre-stage. The COUNTESS is played by  
KONAN. SEPHIRIMO, the page boy, is disguised as  
her maid and is played by DEIDARA. At this point they  
are hidden behind the drapes of the bed, which are drawn.

In the room are TWO EPICENE MEN: one a  
HAIRDRESSER and one a JEWELLER. The  
JEWELLER is attended by HIDAN. There is also TEMARI, the COUNTESS' confidante. All a part from  
HIDAN are gossiping with relish about he COUNTESS'  
current liaison with SEPHIRIMO. Or possibly, whether or not people will ever come to an opera again, judging by the costumes worn.)

TEMARI  
They say that this youth  
has set my Lady's  
heart aflame! (Whips out her fan.)

KANKURO  
His Lordship sure  
would die of shock! (Pulls out a taser.)

GAARA (Emotionlessly.)  
His Lordship is  
a laughing-stock!

TEMARI  
Should he suspect her  
God protect her!

TEMARI/KANKURO  
Shame! Shame! Shame! (GAARA: BLOOD BLOOD, BLOOD, GIVE ME BLOOD.)

This faithless lady's  
bound for Hades!  
Shame! Shame! Shame! (KANKURO: Strings bind us together.)

(The canopy drapes part and we see the COUNTESS  
kissing SEPHIRIMO passionately. As the recitative  
begins, the lights and music dim on stage, and our  
attention turns to the MANAGERS in their box)

IN THE BOX

KISAME  
Nothing like the old operas!

ITACHI  
Or the old scenery . . .

KISAME  
The old singers . . . and they truly are..

ITACHI  
The old audience . . . which are very old..

KISAME  
And every seat sold!

ITACHI  
Hardly a disaster beyond all imagination! (Nuclear bomb nearly hits them, but soars over their heads and kills the three tails, freeing the Sanbi.)

(They chuckle and radio SASORI in the snack bar.  
He acknowledges them.)

ON STAGE  
  
COUNTESS (KONAN)  
Sephirimo - your disguise is perfect.

(A knock at the door)

Who can this be?

COUNT WOODS (PEIN)  
Gentle wife, admit your loving  
husband.  
  
ATTENTION BACK ON STAGE  
(The COUNTESS admits COUNT WOODS. He is an old fool)

COUNT WOODS  
My love - I am called to England on affairs of State, and  
must leave you with your new maid. (Aside) Though I'd  
happily take  
the maid with me. (Silence.)

COUNTESS (aside)  
The old fool's leaving!

COUNT WOODS (aside)  
I suspect my young bride is untrue to me. I shall not  
leave, but shall hide over there to observe her! Come Gein, Kein! (Two look a likes, at least to a degree, appear.)

COUNT WOODS (to COUNTESS)  
Addio!

COUNTESS  
Addio!

BOTH (to each other)  
Addio!

(He goes, pretending to leave, then hides and  
watches the action.)

COUNTESS (KONAN)  
Sephirimo - away with this pretence!

(She rips off SEPHIRIMO'S skirt to reveal his manly  
breeches. DEIDARA is left in his underwear.)

You cannot speak, but kiss me in my  
husband's absence!

Poor fool, he makes me laugh!  
Haha,  
Haha!  
Time I tried to get a better half!

COUNTESS AND SAND SIBLINGS  
Poor fool, he doesn't know!  
Hoho,  
Hoho! etc.  
If he knew the truth, he'd never, ever go!

(Suddenly, GAARA is captured by ITACHI, who is wielding a net cannon.)

ITACHI (Radioing PEIN)

Got the one tail sir.

PEIN (Still on stage.)

Drug him and hide him for awhile.

(Suddenly from nowhere, we hear the voice of the  
TOBI)

TOBI'S VOICE  
Did I not instruct that the Snack Bar was to be kept empty?

HIDAN (terrified)  
He's here: the Tobi of the Opera . . .

(General reaction of bewilderment.  
DEIDARA looks fearfully about her)

DEIDARA  
It's him . . . I know it . . . it's him . . . Oh shit…

KONANA (Finding a scapegoat in DEIDARA,  
hisses at her)  
Your part is silent, little bomber!

(But the TOBI has heard her)

TOBI'S VOICE  
A bomber, madame? Perhaps it is you  
who are the bomber . . .

(Again general unease. KONAN and KAKASHI confer and pick up from the opening of the scene)

KONAN (As the COUNTESS)  
Sephirimo, away with this pretence!  
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my KABOOM!

(Instead of singing she emits a great explosion, singing her face. A  
stunned silence. KONAN is as amazed as anyone but  
regains herself and continues. More perturbing,  
however, is a new sound: the TOBI is laughing -  
quietly at first, then more and more hysterically)

KONAN (as the COUNTESS)  
Poor fool, he makes me laugh -  
Hahahahaha!  
Bang, bang, bang,  
bang, bang, bang, etc.

(As before, the TOBI'S laughter rises. The  
explosions continue as the chandelier's lights blink on  
and off. The TOBI'S laughter, by this time  
overpowering, now crescendos into a great cry):

TOBI'S VOICE  
Behold! She is singing to bring down the  
chandelier! And the house!

(KONAN looks tearfully up at the MANAGERS ' box  
and shakes her head)

KONAN  
Non posso piu . . .  
I cannot . . . I cannot go on . . .

PEIN (rushing on)  
Cara, cara . . . I'm here . . .  
is all right . . . Come . . . I'm here . . . (KONAN knocks him on the head with a club.)

(KISAME and ITACHI hurry out of the box onto the  
stage. PEIN ushers the now sobbing KONAN  
offstage, while the MANAGERS tackle the audience)

ITACHI(Jumping from his box.)  
Ladies and gentlemen, the performance will  
continue in ten minutes' time . . .

(He addresses the Snack Bar, keeping one eye on the  
chandelier as it returns to normal)

. . . when the role of the Countess will be sung by Miss  
Deidara Daae. (SASORI shouts "Deidara's a dude!" In the background.)

KISAME (improvising)  
In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be  
giving you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's opera.

(to KAKSHI)

Maestro - the ballet - now!

(The MANAGERS leave, the stage is cleared and music  
starts again. The BALLET GlRLS enter as a sylvan glade  
flies in. They begin the Dance of the Country Nymphs.  
Upstage, behind the drop, a series of threatening  
shadows of the TOBI. {Gasp!} HIDAN is aware of them and  
dances out of step. When this culminates in one  
gigantic, oppressive, bat-like shadow, the garotted body  
of OROCHIMARU BUQUET falls onto the stage, causing the  
sylvan glade to fly out. Pandemonium, during which ZETSU is laughing.)

DEIDARA (calling for help)  
Sasori! Sasori! I hate you!

(SASORI runs on stage and embraces her)

SASORI (to DIEDARA, leading him away)  
Deidara, come with me . . .

DEIDARA (Reluctantly.)  
No, to the roof. We'll be safe there.

(DEIADARA and SASORI hurry off)

ITACHI (Attempting to placate the audience as STAGE-  
HANDS and POLICEMEN (With muskets.) crowd onto the stage)  
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats. Do  
not panic. It was an accident . . . simply an accident . . . (Scenery falls away, revealing TEAM HAWK, untying OROCHIMARU and poking him. He is still alive.)

PEIN (Obviously drunk with French vodka)

The sheep! Where are the silly sheep?

Scene 10  
THE ROOF OF THE OPERA HOUSE/ GONNA NEED SOME OINTMENT FOR THAT BURN.

(A statue of 'La Victoire Ailee' - the same as that which  
tops the proscenium. It is twilight. DEIDARA and  
SASORI rush on)

SASORI  
Why have you brought us here?

DEIDARA  
Don't take me back there!

SASORI  
We must return! I left my puppets down there!

DEIDARA  
He'll kill me!

SASORI  
Be still now . . . if you do die, I'll make you a puppet.

DEIDARA  
Your art is flawed. Art is temporary.

SASORI (Angrily)  
DEIDARA, don't say that . . .

DEIDARA  
Those eyes that burn!

SASORI  
Don't even think it . . .

DEIDARA  
And if he has to kill  
a thousand men - he will!

SASORI  
Forget this waking nightmare . . .

DEIADARA  
The Tobi of the Opera will kill . . .

SASORI  
This Tobi is a fable . . .  
Believe me . . .

DEIDARA  
. . . and kill again!

SASORI  
There is no Tobi of the Opera . . .

DEIDARA (Pointing behind SASORI)  
My God, there he is . . .  
(The TOBI appears from behind SASORI, Lollipop sword raised to stab him.)

SASORI( Turning around)  
My God, who is this man . . .

DEIDARA  
. . . who hunts to kill . . .?

SASORI  
. . . this mask of death . . .?  
(The TOBI is mysteriously staying still, trying to be invisible)

DEIDARA  
I can't escape from him . . .

SASORI  
Whose is this voice you hear . . .

TOBI  
. . .You never will!  
(Stabs SASORI. Pauses.)

Why aren't you dead?

SASORI  
I can't die bitch! I AM THE REAL PHANTOM!  
(DEIDARA punches him.)

I mean, I AM A PUPPET!

(Creepy clown music starts playing. )

BOTH  
And in this  
labyrinth,  
where night is blind  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is here:  
over there . . .

SASORI  
There is a Tobi of the Opera . . .

DEIDARA

Sasori, I've been there -  
to his world of  
unending night . . .  
To a world where  
the daylight dissolves  
into darkness . . .  
darkness . . .

Sasori, I've lost my patience!  
Can I ever  
forget this night?  
Can I ever  
escape from that mask? (The TOBI looks hurt.)  
So orange,  
weird, it  
was hardly a mask,  
in that darkness . . .  
darkness . . .

(trancelike, then becoming more and more ecstatic)

But his voice  
filled my spirit  
with a strange, sweet sound . . .  
In that night  
there was music  
in my mind . . .  
And through music  
my soul began  
to soar!  
And I heard  
as I'd never  
heard before . . .

SASORI  
What you heard  
was a dream  
and nothing more . . .

DEIDARA  
Yet in his eyes  
all the sadness  
of the world . . .  
Those pleading eyes,  
that both threaten  
and adore . . .

TOBI

Am I here at all?

SASORI(comforting)  
Deidara . . .  
Deidara . . .

TOBI (Disappears, a ghostly echo of SASORI's words)  
Deidara. . .

DEIDARA  
What was that? Where did he go?

(A moment, as their eyes meet. The mood changes.)

SASORI  
No more talk  
of darkness,  
Forget these  
wide-eyed fears.  
I'm here,  
nothing can harm you -  
my words will  
warm and calm you.

Let me be  
your freedom,  
let daylight  
dry -your tears.  
I'm here,  
with you, beside you,  
to guard you  
and to guide you . . .

DEIDARA (Losing his mind)  
Was it real? Do I care? What will happen in the night? (Bomb explodes under stage, revealing the TOBI hiding behind a statue.)

TOBI

Whoops. (He then falls off the roof, and we hear a crunch, after which a mushroom cloud appears, blowing him back up onto the stage.)

SASORI  
Let me be  
your shelter,  
let me  
be your light.  
You're safe:  
No-one will find you,  
your fears are  
far behind you . . .

DEIDARA  
All I want  
is freedom,  
a world with  
no more night . . .  
and you  
always beside me  
to help me  
and to hide me . . .

SASORI  
Then say you'll share with  
me one  
Organization, one lifetime . . .  
Let me lead you  
from your solitude . . .

Say you need me  
with you  
here, beside you . . .  
anywhere you go,  
let me go too -  
Deidara,  
that's all I ask  
of you . . .

DEIDARA  
Say you'll never say that again, and I will follow you . . .

BOTH  
Share each day with  
me, each mission, each capture . . .

DEIDARA  
Say you will join the Akatsuki . . .

SASORI  
You know I will . . .

BOTH  
Join me -  
that's all I ask  
of you . . .

(They shake on it.)

Anywhere you go  
let me go too . . .

Join me -  
that's all I ask  
of you . .

(DEIDARA starts from her reverie)

DEIDARA  
I must go -  
they'll wonder where I am . . .  
wait for me, Sasori!

SASORI  
Deiadara, I love you!

DEIDARA (Not listening.)  
Order your fine horses!  
Be with them at the door!

SASORI  
And soon you'll be beside me!

DEIDARA  
You'll guard me, and you'll guide me . . .

(They hurry off. The TOBI emerges from the floor of the stage.)

TOBI  
I gave you my music . . .  
made your song take wing . . .  
and now, how you've  
repaid me:  
denied me  
and betrayed me . . .  
He was bound to love you  
when he heard you sing . . .

Deidara...  
Deidara ...

SASORI/DEIDARA (offstage)  
Say you'll share with  
me one job, one organization . . .  
say the word  
and I will follow you . . .

Share each day with  
me, each  
capture, each mission . . .

TOBI (Outraged! OMG!)  
You will curse the day  
you did not do  
all that the Tobi asked  
of you . . .! (Faces the city, away from camera, and rips off his mask.)

TOBI( Very different voice)

I shall dry my eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride

For heaven shall remember my cursed name..

And I promise they will never see, the face under my mask,

(My mask is glued.)

I will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for doom draws near

And hiding will do no good..

With noble acts, the bravest souls

Shall never see me fall

Discard regret, that in this debt

A better world is made

That children that read this story might remember

And avoid my face or reading this..

(I've waited all day in the pouring rain, but nobody came, no, nobody came)

And in the fury of this darkest hour

I will be the reaper!

You've asked me for my sacrifice

And I am Madara!

Without denying, a fate is come

That I will never know

I hear the devils call my name

AND I AM MADARA!

(As the roof of the opera house disappears, the opera  
curtain closes and the PRINCIPALS in 'Muto Il' appear  
through it for their bows, DEIDARA conspicuously  
dressed in KONAN'S costume. simultaneously, we  
hear the maniacal laughter of the TOBI and see him  
high above the stage, perilously rocking the chandelier. He appears to be thinking it's a horse.  
The lights of the  
chandelier begin flickering and, at a great cry from him,  
it descends, swinging more and more madly over the  
orchestra pit. He loves this, and pulls out a conductor's baton.)

TOBI  
Go!!

(The chandelier falls to the stage at DEIDARA'S feet)

END OF ACT 1 (OMG! IT'S FINALLY HALF-WAY DONE!)

ACT 2  
Scene 1  
THE STAIRCASE OF THE OPERA HOUSE/WE LOSE CONTROL

(A gauze half conceals the tableau of guests at the  
opera ball. The guests (whom we cannot yet see  
clearly) are in fancy dress, a peacock, a lion, a  
dragon, Mephistopheles, a highwayman, a clown,  
knights, ladies, an executioner. KISAME enters.  
He is dressed as a weasel in an opera cape. Almost  
immediately ITACHI arrives. He is dressed  
as a shark in an opera cape. The two animals see  
each other and approach nervously)

KISAME  
Master Itachi?

ITACHI

Stupid Kisame?

(Each raises his mask to the other. They recognise each  
other.)

ITACHI  
Dear Kisame  
what a splendid party!

ITACHI  
The prologue  
to a bright new organization!

ITACHI  
Quite a night!  
I'm impressed!

KISAME  
Well, one does  
one's best . . .

KISAME/ITACHI (raising their glasses)  
Here's to us!

ITACHI  
I must say, all the same, that  
it's a shame that 'Tobi'  
fellow isn't here!

(The gauze lifts fully to reveal the staircase of the  
opera house. The opera ball begins. Among the  
GUESTS are four carrying strange percussion  
instruments: a monkey with cymbals, a toy soldier  
with a drum, a triangle, and bells. Together they play  
weirdly throughout)

CHORUS  
Masquerade!  
Paper faces on parade . . .  
Masquerade!  
Hide your face,  
so the world will  
never find you!

Masquerade!  
Every face a different shade . . .  
Masquerade!  
Look around -  
there's another  
mask behind you!

Flash of mauve . . .  
Splash of puce . . .  
Fool and king . . .  
Ghoul and goose . . .  
Green and black . . .  
Queen and priest . . .  
Trace of rouge . . .  
Face of beast . . .

Faces . . .  
Take your turn, take a ride  
on the merry-go-round . . .  
in an inhuman race . . .

Eye of gold . . .  
Thigh of blue . . .  
True is false . . .  
Who is who . . .?  
Curl of lip . . .  
Swirl of gown . . .  
Ace of hearts . . .  
Face of clown . . .

Faces . . .  
Drink it in, drink it up,  
till you've drowned  
in the light . . .  
in the sound . . .

SASORI/DEIDARA  
But who can name the face . . .?

ALL  
Masquerade!  
Grinning yellows,  
spinning reds . . .  
Masquerade!  
Take your fill -  
let the spectacle  
astound you!

Masquerade!  
Burning glances,  
turning heads . . .  
Masquerade!  
Stop and stare  
at the sea of smiles  
around you!

Masquerade!  
Seething shadows  
breathing lies . . .  
Masquerade!  
You can fool  
any friend who  
ever knew you!

Masquerade!  
Leering satyrs,  
peering eyes . . .  
Masquerade!  
Run and hide -  
but a face will  
still pursue you!

(The ENSEMBLE activity becomes background, as  
KISAME, ITACHI, HIDAN, KAKAZU, PEIN and KONAN  
come to the fore, glasses in hand)

KAKAZU  
What a night!

HIDAN  
What a crowd! And why the f*** am I wearing a dress?

KISAME  
Makes you glad!

HIDAN

NICE TRY BOZO.

ITACHI  
Makes you proud! (HIDAN mouths "Proud? How?")  
All the creme  
de la creme!

KONAN  
Watching us watching them!

HIDAN/KAKAZU  
And all our fears  
are in the past!

KISAME  
Six months...

PEIN  
Of relief!

KONAN  
Of delight!

KISAME/ITACHI  
Of Elysian peace!

HIDAN/KAKAZU  
And we can breathe at last!

KONAN  
No more notes!

PEIN  
No more ninja!

KAKAZU  
Here's a health!

KISAME  
Here's a toast:  
to a prosperous year! And the Akatsuki!

ITACHI  
To the new chandelier! And the anniversary of my clan's death! (Looks ecstatic.)

PEIN/KONAN  
And may its  
splendour never fade!

ITACHI  
Six months!

KAKAZU  
What a joy!

HIDAN  
What a change!

ITACHI/KISAME  
What a blessed release! (They both pass gas.)

KISAME  
And what a masquerade! (Several dancers break their legs and kill their partners.)

(They clink glasses and move off SASORI and  
DEIDARA emerge. He is admiring a new acquisition:  
an Akatsuki ring from PEIN, which he has  
attached to a finger.)

DEIDARA  
Think of it!  
A secret organization!  
Look - your future assistant!  
Just think of it!

SASORI  
But why is it secret?  
What have we to hide?

DEIDARA  
Please, let's not fight . . . we'll fight about art later.

SASORI  
Deidara, you're free!

DEIDARA  
Wait till the time is right . . .

SASORI  
When will that be?  
It's an agreement,  
not a crime!

DEIDARA

We're all S-ranked Criminals. I think it's a crime.

SASORI  
Deidara,  
What are you  
afraid of?

DEIDARA  
Let's not argue . . .

SASORI  
Let's not argue . . .

DEIDARA  
Please pretend . . .

SASORI  
I can only hope I'll . . .

DEIDARA  
You will . . .

BOTH  
. . . understand  
in time . . .

(Dance section, in which DEIDARA, almost  
coquettish almost jittery, goes from man to man. But too  
many of her partners seem to be replicas of the  
TOBI, {Is that even possible?} and each spins him with increasing force.  
Eventually SASORI rescues him and holds him tightly. He  
whirls him back into the dance, as the music heads  
towards its climax.)

ALL  
Masquerade!  
Paper faces on parade!  
Masquerade!  
Hide your face,  
so the world will  
never find you!

Masquerade!  
Every face a different shade!  
Masquerade!  
Look around -  
There's another  
mask behind you!

Masquerade!  
Burning glances,  
turning heads . . .  
Masquerade!  
Stop and stare  
at the sea of smiles  
around you!

Masquerade!  
Grinning yellows,  
spinning reds . . .  
Masquerade!  
Take your fill -  
let the spectacle  
astound you!

(At the height of the activity a grotesque figure suddenly  
appears at the top of the staircase. Dressed all in  
crimson, with a death's head visible inside the hood of  
his robe, the TOBI has come to the party. With  
dreadful wooden steps he descends the stairs and takes the  
centre of the stage)

TOBI  
Why so silent, good messieurs?  
Did you think that I had left you for good?  
Have you missed me, good messieurs?  
I have written you an opera!

(He takes from under his robe an enormous bound  
manuscript.)

Here I bring the finished score -  
"The Good Boy Triumphant" !

(He throws it to KISAME)

I advise you  
to comply -  
my instructions  
should be clear -  
Remember  
there are worse things  
than a shattered chandelier . . .

KISAME

This is Make-out violence.

(The TOBI runs up and takes it. He replaces it with the opera.)

TOBI

My mistake.

(DEIDARA, mesmerized, approaches as the  
TOBI beckons him. He reaches out, grasps the  
chain that holds the secret Akatsuki ring, and makes his hand disappear.)

TOBI (Due to weakness of Sharingan, illusions are useful.)  
Your chains are still mine -  
you will sing for me!

(ALL cower in suspense as the music crescendos, until  
suddenly, his figure evaporates and falls through the floor.)

TOBI

OW!

(SASSORI jumps in after him. He lands in Candyland.)

SASORI

DA HECK IS WITH THIS PLACE? (_It's a Small World _starts playing. OMG)

SASORI

THE HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS… Mom taking me to Disneyland, the fascination of the puppets…. One exploding in my face… The puppets swimming to our boat…. Their tiny knives gleaming…

KAKAZU

Get a hold of yourself man!

(He has appeared from doorway behind SASORI labeled _Exit of Sasori's nightmare_)

Follow me.

Scene 2  
BACKSTAGE

(KAKAZU is hurrying across. SASORI appears and calls  
after him)

SASORI  
Master Giry. Master Giry . . .

KAKAZU  
Monsieur, don't ask me - I know no more than  
anyone else.

(He moves off again. He stops him)

SASORI  
That's not true. You've seen something, haven't  
you ?

KAKAZU (uneasily)  
I don't know what I've seen . . . Please don't ask me,  
monsieur . . .

SASORI (desperately)  
Dude, for all our sakes . . .

KAKAZU (He has glanced nervously about him and  
suddenly deciding to trust him, cuts in):  
Very well. It was years ago. There was a travelling  
fair in the city. Tumblers, conjurors, human  
oddities . . .

SASORI  
From Suna?

KAKAZU (trance-like, as he retraces the past)  
Yes, now the puppets were ugly, but the pyrotechnics were great.

And there was . . . I shall never forget him: a man . .  
locked in a cage . . .

SASORI  
In a cage . . ?

KAKAZU  
A prodigy, monsieur! Scholar, architect, musician. A Good Boy.

SASORI (piecing together the jigsaw)  
A Good Boy . . .

KAKAZU  
And a Kage too, monsieur. They boasted he  
had once built in his village a maze of  
mirrors . . .

SASORI (mystified and impatient, cuts in)  
Who was this man . . .?

KAKAZU (with a shudder)  
A weird being . . .  
more child  
than man . . .

SASORI (a murmur)  
Deformed . . .?

KAKAZU  
No, just missing an eye . . .

SASORI  
My God . . .

KAKAZU  
And then . . . he went missing. He escaped.

SASORI  
Go on.

KAKAZU  
They never found him  
it was said he  
had died . . .

SASORI (darkly)  
But he didn't die, did he?

KAKAZU  
The world forgot him,  
but I never can . . .  
For in this darkness  
I have seen him again . . .

SASORI  
And so our  
Tobi's this man . . .

KAKAZU (starts from his daze and turns to go)  
I have said too much, monsieur. It hurts me, as I needed him to get rich.

(He moves off into the surrounding blackness)

And there have been too many accidents . . .

SASORI (ironical)  
Accidents?!

KAKAZU (Not listening.)  
So much money . . .

(And, before he can question him further, he has  
disappeared)

SASORI (running after him)  
Master Giry . . .!

Scene 3  
THE MANAGERS ' OFFICE

(The TOBI'S score lies open on the desk.  
KISAME is impatiently flicking through it)

KISAME  
Ludicrous!  
Have you seen the score?

ITACHI (entering)  
Simply awesome!

KISAME  
SAY WHAT?

ITACHI  
This is brilliant!  
Well, you know my views . . .

KISAME  
Utter lunacy!

ITACHI  
But we daren't refuse . . .

KISAME (groans)  
Not another  
chandelier . . .

ITACHI  
Look, my friend, what  
we have here . . .

(He has two notes from the TOBI, one of which he  
hands to KISAME, who opens it and reads):

KISAME  
"Dear Shark butt,  
Re my orchestrations:  
We need another first bassoon.  
Get a player with tone -  
and that third trombone  
has to go!  
The man could not be deafer,  
so please preferably one  
who plays in tune!"

ITACHI (reading his letter)  
"Dear Weasel head,  
vis a vis my opera:  
some chorus-members must be sacked.  
If you could, find out which  
has a sense of pitch -  
wisely, though,  
I've managed to assign a  
rather minor role to those  
who cannot act! "

(They are interrupted by the arrival of KONAN and  
PEIN both furiously brandishing similar notes)

KONAN  
Outrage!

ITACHI  
What is it now?

KONAN  
This whole affair is  
an outrage!

KONAN  
Signora, please . . .

KISAME  
Now what's the matter?

KONAN  
Have you seen  
the size of my dress?

KISAME (Lying, as he made it that size.)  
No Signora . . .

PEIN  
It's an insult! She has a bigger butt then that! (KONAN punches him.)

ITACHI  
Not you as well!

PEIN  
Just look at her butt -  
it's an insult!

ITACHI  
Please, understand . . .

KISAME  
Signor! Signora!

KONAN  
The things I have  
to do for my art!

PEIN (stabbing a finger at the open score)  
If you .an call  
this gibberish "art" !

(SASORI and DEIDARA enter: KONAN aims a gun at their heads.)

KONAN (dryly)  
Ah! Here's our little flower!

ITACHI  
Ah Miss Daae  
quite the lady  
of the hour!

DEIDARA (Pulling a truckload of C4 out of his jacket.)

FOR THE LAST F***IN' TIME I AM A DUDE!

KISAME (explaining)  
Calm down!

You have  
secured the largest role  
in this "Good Boy".

KONAN (half to herself)  
Deidara Daae?  
She doesn't have  
the voice!

DEIDARA

THAT'S IT! (Bloody brawl ensues, nearly blowing up the office. KONAN nearly dies. DEIADARA is held back by a thin line of chakra.)

SASORI

Aw, and I was having fun controlling them!

ITACHI (hearing this, to SASORI)  
Signor, please!

SASORI (to the MANAGERS)  
Then I take it  
you're agreeing.

KONAN (aside)  
She's behind this . . .

KISAME  
It appears we have  
no choice.

KONAN (unable to contain herself any longer,  
points accusingly)  
She's the one  
behind this!  
Deidara Daae!

DEIDARA  
PAUSE THE OPERA! (ZETSU walks onto stage.)

ZETSU

Yes?

DEIDARA

I refuse to keep working if they insist on calling me a chick!

ZETSU

Okay, okay. Konan, be kind to Deidara or I'm casting you as the horse in the next scene.

(KONAN shrinks back, scared.)

And that goes for all of you! You all will lose your parts!

(Opera resumes.)

KONAN

I'm not a fool!

DEIDARA  
You evil woman!  
How dare you!

KONAN  
You think I'm blind?

DEIDARA  
No, but do you want to be?  
I don't want any  
part in this foolishness!

ITACHI  
Mister Daae, surely . . .

KISAME  
But why not?

PEIN (baffled, to KONAN)  
What did he say?

ITACHI (reasonably)  
It's your decision -

(Suddenly rounding on him)

But why not?

KONAN (to PEIN)  
She's backing out!

KISAME  
You have a duty!

DEIDARA  
I cannot sing it,  
duty or not!

SASORI (comforting)  
Deidara . . .  
Deidara . . .  
You are an idiot . . .  
Ceiling cat is watching. . .

(HIDAN and KAKAZU arrive, the latter bearing another note  
from the TOBI)

KAKAZU  
Please, monsieur:  
another note.

(The MANAGERS gesture: "read it". As he reads, ALL  
react variously, as they are singled out)

KAKAZU  
"Fondest greetings  
to you all !  
A few instructions  
just before  
rehearsal starts:  
Konan must be  
taught to act . . . ,"

(The TOBI'S voice gradually takes over  
from him. It seems to be hoarse.)

TOBI'S VOICE  
. . . not her normal trick  
of strutting round the stage.  
Our Good Boy must  
lose some weight -  
it's not healthy in  
a man of Pein's age. (Because I do know it.)  
And my managers  
must learn  
that their place is in  
an office, not the arts.

As for Mister Deidara Daae . . .  
No doubt he'll  
do his best - it's  
true his voice is  
good. He knows, though,  
should he wish to excel  
he has much still  
to learn, if pride will  
let him  
return to me, his  
teacher,  
his teacher . . .

Your obedient friend . . .  
(The TOBI'S voice fades out and KAKAZU takes over)

KAKAZU  
". . . and Angel . . ."

(Attention now focuses on SASORI whose eyes are  
suddenly bright with a new thought)

SASORI  
We have all been  
blind - and yet the  
answer is staring us  
in the face . . .  
This could be the  
chance to ensnare our  
clever friend . . .

KISAME  
I'm not listening . . .

ITACHI  
Go on.

SASORI  
We shall play his  
game - perform his  
work - but remember we  
hold the ace . . .  
For, if Mister Daae  
sings, he is certain  
to attend . . .

KISAME (carried along by the idea)  
We make certain  
the doors are barred . . .

ITACHI (likewise)  
We make certain  
our men are there . . . with muskets and shit…

SASORI  
We make certain  
they're armed . . . yes with muskets and shit…

SASORI/KISAME/ITACHI (savoring their victory)  
The curtain falls -  
his reign will end!

(ALL have been listening intently. KAKAZU is the first to  
express a reaction. DEIDARA remains silent and  
withdrawn)

KAKAZU  
Madness!

KISAME  
No . . . THIS IS OPERA!

ITACHI  
Not really . . .

KAKAZU  
This is madness!

KISAME  
OPERA!

(KISAME is dragged off stage in a strait jacket. He gets replaced by SUIGETSU.)

KAKAZU  
Monsieur, believe me -  
there is no way of  
turning the tide!

ITACHI (to KAKAZU)  
You stick to bounty hunting!

SASORI (rounding on KAKAZU)  
Then help us!

KAKAZU  
Monsieur, I can't . . .

SASORI  
Instead of warning us . . .

SASORI/SUIGETSU/ITACHI  
Help us!

KAKAZU  
I wish I could . . .

SASORI/SUIGETSU/ITACHI  
Don't make excuses!

SASORI  
Or could it be that  
you're on his side?

KAKAZU (to SASORI)  
Monsieur, believe me,  
I intend no ill . . . upon him that is. Upon you is a different matter.

(to SUIGETSU and ITACHI)

But messieurs, be careful -  
we have seen him kill . . .

SUIGETSU/ITACHI (to KAKAZU)  
So have we all!

KONAN  
He's the one behind this!  
Deidara!  
This is all his doing!

PEIN  
This is the truth!  
Deidara Daae!

SASORI  
This is his undoing!

SUIGETSU/ITACHI (to SASORI)  
If you succeed  
you free us all -  
this so called "angel"  
has to fall!  
(The TOBI hits the stage floor.)

TOBI

Owie. (He quickly runs stage left.)

SASORI  
Angel of darkness,  
fear my fury -  
Here is where you fall! (The TOBI trips running out.)

KAKAZU (to SASORI)  
Hear my warning!  
Fear his fury!

KONAN  
What glory can  
he hope to gain?  
It's clear to all  
the boy's insane!

SUIGETSU (to ITACHI)  
Deidara sings  
We'll get our man . . .

PEIN  
This is crazy!  
He is raving!

ITACHI (to SUIGETSU)  
If Deidara helps  
us in this plan . . .

SASORI  
Say your prayers,  
black angel of death!

DEIDARA (vainly pleading amidst the tumult)  
Please don't . . .

SUIGETSU (to ITACHI)  
If Deidara won't,  
then no-one can . . .

KAKAZU (to SASORI)  
Monsieur, I beg you,  
do not do this . . .

PEIN/KONAN  
Gran Dio!  
Che imbroglio!

SUIGETSU/ITACHI  
This will seal his fate!

DEIDARA (bursting through the hubbub with a  
great cry)  
If you don't stop,  
I'll go mad!

(to SASORI, pleading)

Sasori, I'm bothered -  
don't even think of doing this . . .  
Sasori, you're an idiot-  
don't put me through this  
ordeal by fire . . .  
he'll take me, I know . . .  
we'll be parted for ever . . .  
he won't let me go . . .

What I once used to dream  
I now dread . . .  
if he finds me, it won't  
ever end . . .  
and he'll always be there,  
singing songs in my head . . .  
he'll always be there,  
singing songs in my head . . .

(ALL stare at him)

KONAN  
Why are you in the Akatsuki again?

SASORI (to DEIDARA)  
You said yourself  
he was nothing  
but a man . . .

Yet while he lives,  
he will haunt us  
till we're dead . . .

(DEIDARA turns away unhappily)

DEIDARA  
That may sooner than you think,  
what answer can I give?  
Am I to risk my life,  
to win the chance to live?  
Can I betray the man  
who once inspired my art?  
Do I become his prey?  
Do I have any choice?

He's silly without a thought,  
he murders all that's bad . . .  
I know I can't refuse  
and yet, I wish I could . . .  
Oh God - if I agree,  
what horrors wait for me  
in this, the Tobi's opera . . .?

SASORI (to DEIDARA, very tenderly)  
Deidara, Deidara,  
don't think that I don't care -  
You're right! When you joined, you made the deal, passed the test, kicked Itachi in the nuts. . .

(DEIDARA, overcome by his conflicting emotions  
turns away and hurries out. SASORI strides forward and  
addresses an imaginary TOBI)

SASORI  
So, it is to be war between us! But this time, clever  
friend, the disaster will be yours!

TOBI (Out of nowhere.)

Kiss my awesome ass!

(As lights fade, several Genin stretch a red, velvet rope  
across the downstage area. OTHERS bring on gilt chairs.  
KONAN, PEIN and KAKAZU move downstage to take  
their places for the next scene)

Scene 4  
A REHEARSAL FOR GOOD BOY TRIUMPHANT/ARE YOU TIRED YET?

(KAKASHI supervises the learning of the new piece from  
the piano. Present are PEIN, DEIDARA,  
KONAN, KAKAZU and CHORUS)

CHORUS  
Hide our sword now wounded knight!  
Your vain yet glorious gasconnade  
brought you to your final fight  
for your pride, high price you've paid!

DEIDARA  
Silken couch and hay-filled barn,  
both have been his battlefield.

PEIN (Wrong.)  
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

KAKASHI (stopping him)  
No, no, no! Chorus rest, please.

Good Boy, Signor Pein - here is the phrase.

(He demonstrates it)

"Those who tangle with Good Boy . . ."  
If you please?

PEIN (still wrong)  
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

KAKASHI  
No, no. Nearly - but no.  
"Those who tan, tan, tan . . ."

PEIN (still wrong)  
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

KONAN (to the OTHERS)  
His way is better. At least he make it sound like  
music!

KAKAZU (to KONAN)  
Signora - would you speak that way in the  
presence of the composer?

KONAN (deaf to the implications of this remark)  
The composer is not here. And if he were here, I  
would . . .

KAKAZU (cutting in, ominous)  
Are you certain of that, Signora . . .? (Pulls out a switchblade.)

KAKASHI  
So, once again - after seven.

(He gives the note and counts in)  
Five, six, seven . . .

PEIN (wrong again)  
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

(Gradually EVERYONE starts either to talk or to  
practice the phrase simultaneously)

KONAN  
Ah, piu non posso! What does it matter what notes  
we sing?

KAKAZU  
Have patience, Signora.

KONAN  
No-one will know if it is right or if it is wrong.  
No-one will care if it is right, or if it is wrong.

KONAN (mocking)  
Those who tangle  
with Good Boy!

PEIN (trying again)  
Those who tan . . . tan . . .

(to DEIDARA)  
Is right?

DEIDARA (to PEIN)  
Not quite, Signor:  
Those who tan . . . tan . . .

KAKASHI (attempting lo restore order)  
Ladies . . . Signor Pein . . . if you please . . .

(KAKASHI thumps the piano keys, then leaves the piano,  
and attempts to attract attention using signals. Al the  
height of the mayhem, the piano suddenly begins to  
demonstrate the music unaided. It plays with great force  
and rhythm. ALL fall silent and freeze then suddenly start  
to sing the piece robotically and accurately. It then explodes. As they  
continue to stare, DEIDARA moves away from the  
group.)

ALL EXCEPT DEIDARA  
Poor young maiden! For the thrill  
on your tongue of stolen sweets  
you will have to pay the bill -  
tangled in the winding sheets!

(As the ENSEMBLE becomes background, DEIDARA,  
transfixed, sings independently):

DEIDARA  
In sleep  
he sang to me,  
in dreams  
he came . . .  
that voice  
which calls to me  
and speaks  
my name . . .

(The scene begins to change. Trance-like, DEIDARA  
moves slowly upstage. We hear the distant sound of  
bells)

Little Lotte  
thought of everything and nothing . . .  
Her Father promised her  
that he would send her the Angel of Darkness . . .  
Her father promised her . . .  
Her father promised her . . .

Scene 5

A GRAVEYARD/ THE TOBI GETS HIS  
(A mausoleum with hanging moss. In the centre a  
pyramid of skulls in front of a cross.)

DEIDARA  
You were once  
my one companion . . .  
you were all  
that mattered . . .  
You were once  
a friend and father -  
then my world  
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were  
somehow here again . . .  
wishing you were  
somehow near . . .  
Sometimes it seemed  
if I just dreamed,  
somehow you would  
be here . . .

Wishing I could  
hear your voice again . . .  
knowing that I  
never would . . .  
Dreaming of you  
won't help me to do  
all that you dreamed  
I could . . .

Passing bells  
and sculpted angels,  
cold and monumental,  
seem, for you,  
the wrong companions -  
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years  
fighting back tears . . .  
Why can't the past  
just die . . .?

Wishing you were  
somehow here again . . .  
knowing we must  
say goodbye . . .  
Try to forgive . . .  
teach me to live . . .  
give me the strength  
to try . . .

No more memories,  
no more silent tears . . .  
No more gazing across  
the wasted years . . .  
Help me say  
goodbye.

(The TOBI emerges from behind the cross)

TOBI (very soft and enticing)  
Wandering child . . .  
so lost . . .  
so helpless . . .  
yearning for my  
guidance . . .

(Bewildered, DEIDARA looks up, and murmurs  
breathlessly):

DEIDARA  
Angel . . . or father . . .  
friend . . . or  
Tobi . . . ?  
Who is it there,  
staring . . . ?

TBOI (more and more hypnotic)  
Have you  
forgotten your Angel . . .? I am your father..

DEIDARA  
Angel . . . oh, speak . . .  
What endless  
longings  
echo in this  
whisper . . .!

(SASORI appears in the shadows and watches for a  
moment transfixed)

TOBI (now drawing DEIDARA towards him)  
Too long you've wandered  
in winter . . .

SASORI (to himself a murmur)  
Once again  
he is his . . .

TOBI  
Far from my  
far-reaching gaze . . .

SASORI  
Once again  
he returns . . .

DEIDARA (increasingly mesmerized)  
Wildly my mind  
beats against you . . . you are not my father… YOU KILLED HIM!

TOBI (Drawing a lightsaber.)  
You resist . . . foolish bitch.

TOBI/DEIDRA  
YOU SHALL DIE!

SASORI  
. . . to the arms  
of his angel . . .  
angel or demon . . .  
still he calls him . . .  
luring him back, from the grave . . .  
angel or dark seducer . . .?  
Who are you, strange  
angel . . .?

TOBI (Really losing it.)  
Angel of Darkness!  
You denied me,  
turning from true beauty . . .  
Angel of Darkness!  
Do not shun me . . .  
Come to your strange  
Angel . . . SO I CAN DESTROY YOU! (Twirls lightsaber.)

DEIDARA (Furious.)  
Angel of Darkness!  
I denied you,  
turning from true beauty . . .  
Angel of Darkness!  
My protector . . .  
Come to me, strange  
Angel . . . SO FIRE MAY PURGE YOU! (His hands start spewing clay furiously.)

(DEIDRA leaps towards the figure of the  
TOBI)

TOBI (beckoning him)  
I am your Angel of Darkness . . .  
Come to me: Angel of Darkness . . .

SASORI (suddenly calling out)  
Angel of darkness!  
Cease this torment! (Pulls out the Jedi Master YODA, who he quickly makes his puppet.)

YODA

Good puppet, I shall be.

(Furiously, the TOBI fights DEIDARA and SASORI, who is controlling YODA.)

TOBI (Now wielding two lightsabers.)  
I am your Angel of Darkness . . .  
Come to me: Angel of Darkness . . .

SASORI (in desperation)  
Deidara! Deidara listen to me!  
Whatever you may believe, this man . . .  
this thing . . . is not your father!

(to the TOBI)

Let him go! For God's sake, let him go! Deidara !

(Coming out of his rage DEIDARA turns and  
mouths the words):

DEIDARA (Angrily.)  
Sasori. . .

(He turns to SASORI who embraces him protectively.  
The TOBI freezes for a moment and then suddenly  
seizes his chance and impales SAASORI'S skull. At a  
movement from him a flash of fire streaks from the  
gaping mouth of SASORI and also comes out of his mouth)

TOBI (Amused.)  
Bravo, monsieur!  
Such spirited festivities!

(Another burst of flame.)

SASORI  
More tricks, monsieur? I'm a puppet.

TOBI  
Let's see, monsieur  
how far you dare go!

(Another flame burst)

SASORI (Smoking a cigarette coolly.)  
More deception? More violence?

DEIDARA (to SASORI)  
Sasori, no . . .

(SASORI has begun to walk slowly and resolutely  
towards the TOBI. The flame bursts always landing  
just ahead of him)

TOBI  
That's right, that's right,  
monsieur  
keep walking this way!

(Two more fire blasts)

SASORI  
You can't win his love by making him your prisoner.

SASORI  
Sasori, don't . . .

SASORI (to DEIDARA)  
Stay back!

TOBI (Gleefully.)  
I'm here, I'm here,  
monsieur:  
the angel of death!  
Come on, come on,  
monsieur  
Don't stop, don't stop! (Laughs and twirls his lightsaber.)

(Three more fire blasts. The TOBI is getting hit a little.  
SASORI is almost at the TOBI's feet. A  
confrontation is imminent when DEIDARA  
suddenly rushes across to SASORI)

DEIDARA  
Sasori! Come back . . .

(He pulls him away)

TOBI  
Don't go!

SASORI

You lost your chance.

(The TOBI snaps, and leaps at SASORI, lightsabers flashing.)

DEIDARA

No!

(SASORI spins around, using YODA to cut off the TOBI's left arm and right leg.)

TOBI

You monster…

SASORI (Smugly.)

Let me tell you how I became a puppet…

So many years ago, many more than I'd  
Even care to bear in my mind  
From the darkest of all places I found it.

All the limbs in their right places  
and a shell made of real gold  
"Sell me your little doll, oh sir, I ask you kind." I would ask of the master.

Every night I'd return to watch them  
The master and the puppet in the show.  
He said: "Oh no, I cannot sell him...  
Priceless he is, masterpiece of mine."

"Please, sell me your puppet, sir.  
Name your price oh please,  
Whatever you may ask,  
tenfold the price I pay." I said.

"Did I not make it clear?  
This debate is over.  
I will never part from this puppet, my son..." He said.

With hungry eyes I followed them all night  
The blind master and the puppet he had made,  
"No, sir, to sell is not my will!" He responded angrily.  
"The doll is mine, even if I have to kill..." I chose to say.

"So it shall be, if this is what it takes,  
Greed's truly blinder than me...  
Shell of gold is what you wish for?  
So, this little boy...wants to be.. a puppet, for real..?" At this point I was worried.

So, I have a golden shell  
Now only needing the voice of the master  
Never feel hunger, never grow older  
My dream was to be a star in a real puppet... and so I was!

It's so hard to remember my life,  
the times before the shell  
"Can I ever cut off the strings?" I asked.  
"Take a bow, now dance and sing... Sing!" the master would say.

"Would you turn me to child again?" I begged.  
"No, never, I am your Guide."  
You could see a small grin on the face  
Of the master, when the puppet's in his place. So I killed him in his sleep.

Be careful of what you wish for  
Wishes might come alive  
The twines I pull every day and night...  
The show, the glitter and all the fame  
I wouldn't give away for a life  
Some things can end with a word, they say  
That only ended with a sharp knife. A Knife!

(SASORI steps down.)

And that is why I can't be beat. Only my heart is left.

(As they are exiting, the TOBI declaims  
in fury):

TOBI (Bleeding profusely.)  
So be it! Now let it be war upon you both!

(At a gesture from the TOBI, there is a flash of  
lighting and the stage erupts into flame)

Scene 6  
BEFORE THE PREMIERE/ THE END OF POPCORN

THE OPERA HOUSE ON THE NIGHT OF THE  
PREMIERE OF "GOOD BOY TRIUMPHANT''  
(The orchestra is tuning. A whistle sounds. The  
CHIEF FIRE OFFICER is reviewing two FIRE  
MARSHALLS in tin helmets. A work light on a  
stand illuminates them. Also present are SASORI,  
SUIGETSU and ITACHI, supervising the proceedings, and a  
MARKSMAN, at present hidden in the pit.)

CHIEF  
You understand your instructions?

FIREMEN (several)  
No Sir!

CHIEF(Annoyed.)  
When you hear the whistle, take up your positions.  
I shall then instruct you to secure the doors. It is  
essential that all doors are properly secured.

ITACHI  
Are we doing the right thing, Suigetsu?

SUIGETSU (Playing a DS.)  
Have you got a better idea?

CHIEF  
Monsieur le Pimp, am I to give the order?

SASORI  
Give the order.

(The CHIEF blows his whistle. The FIREMEN fan  
out, leaving SASORI, the CHIEF and the  
MANAGERS on stage)

SASORI (to the MARKSMAN)  
You in the pit - do you have a clear view of this  
box?

MARKSMAN (appearing from the pit)  
Yes, sir.

SASORI  
Remember, when the time comes, shoot. Only if  
you have to - but shoot. To kill.

MARKSMAN  
How will I know, sir?

SASORI  
You'll know. I'll send a puppet with a musket and crap.

ITACHI  
Monsieur le Pimp, are you confident that this  
will work? Will Mister Daae sing?

SASORI  
Don't worry, Itachi. Suigetsu?

SUIGETSU (Stuffing his DS into his pocket.)

God! You made me lose to Deidara!

(He was playing Naruto Shippuden.)

CHIEF  
My men are now in position, sir.

SASORI  
Go ahead, then.

(Sounding his whistle again, the CHIEF shouts  
into the auditorium):

CHIEF  
Are the doors secure?

(Exit doors are slammed all over the building, The  
FIREMEN answering one by one: "Secure."'  
The orchestra falls silent. Very quietly from  
nowhere, we hear the VOICE of the TOBI)

TOBI'S VOICE  
I'm here: The Tobi of the Opera . . . sans two limbs.

(ALL look around apprehensively. FIREMEN start to run  
in the direction of the VOICE)

TOBI'S VOICE (from somewhere else)  
I'm here: The Tobi of the Opera . . .

(Again, they follow the VOICE. This happens several  
times, the TOBI'S VOICE darting more and more  
bewilderingly from place to place. Finally it is heard  
from The Snack Bar, and in the confusion the  
MARKSMAN fires a shot. The Popcorn Maker explodes. SASORI rounds on the  
MARKSMAN furiously)

SASORI  
Idiot! You killed my popcorn!

MARKSMAN  
But, Monsieur le Pimp . . . it had too much butter.

(The TOBI'S VOICE cuts in, filling the  
building. All look up)

TOBI'S VOICE  
No "buts"! For once, Monsieur le Pimp is  
right . . . Popcorn is precious…

Seal my  
fate tonight - I  
hate to have to  
cut the fun short  
but the joke's  
wearing thin . . .  
Let the audience in . . .  
Let my opera begin!

Scene 7  
"GOOD BOY TRIUMPHANT"  
(The set of the final scene of "Good Boy  
Triumphant" A huge hall with an arch. Behind the  
arch, which has curtains, is a bed. A fine table, laid for  
two. PASSGASSO, GOOD BOY'S servant, is  
directing the STAFF as they make the room ready.  
They are a crowd of sixteenth century ruffians and  
hoydens, proud of their master's reputation as a  
duelist)

CHORUS  
Here the sire may serve the dam,  
here the master takes his meat!  
Here the sacrificial lamb  
utters one despairing bleat!

KONAN AND CHORUS  
Poor young dude! For the thrill  
on your tongue of stolen sweets  
you will have to pay the bill -  
tangled in the bloody hall!

Serve the meal and serve the man!  
Serve the master so that, when  
tables, plans and cards are laid,  
Good Boy triumphs once again!

(SIGNOR PEIN, as Good Boy, emerges from behind the  
arch. HIDAN, a gypsy dancer pirouettes coquettishly for  
him. He throws him a purse. He catches it and sacrifices it somehow.)

GOOD BOY (PEIN)  
Passgasso, faithful friend,  
once again recite the plan.

PASSGASSO  
Your young guest believes I'm you -  
I, the master, you, the man.

GOOD BOY  
When you met you wore my cloak,  
with my scarf you hid your face.  
He believes he dines with me,  
in his master's borrowed place!  
Furtively, we'll scoff and quaff,  
stealing what, in truth, is mine.  
When it's late and modesty  
starts to mellow, with the wine . . .

PASSGASSO  
You come home! I use your voice -  
slam the door like crack of doom!

GOOD BOY  
I shall say: "Come - hide with me!  
Where, oh, where? Of course - the arena!"

PASSGASSO  
Poor thing hasn't got a chance!

GOOD BOY  
Here's my hat, my cloak and sword.  
Conquest is assured,  
if I do not forget myself and laugh . . .

(GOOD BOY puts on PASSGASSO's cloak and goes into  
the curtained alcove where the battle ground awaits.  
Although we do not yet know it, the Punjab Lasso has  
done its work, and SIGNOR PEIN is no more. Fortunately, several bodies remain. When  
next we see GOOD BOY, it will be the TOBI, as was meant to be.  
Meanwhile, we hear MINTY (DEIDARA) singing  
happily in the distance)

MINTY (DEIDARA - offstage, entering)  
". . . no thoughts  
within his head,  
but thoughts of joy!  
No dreams  
within his heart  
but dreams of fun!"

PASSGASSO (onstage)  
Master?

GOOD BOY (TOBI - behind the curtain)  
Passgasso - go away!  
For the trap is set and waits for its prey . . .

(PASSGASSO leaves. DEIDARA (MINTY) enters. He  
takes off his cloak and sits down. Looks about him. No-  
one. He starts on an apple. The TOBI, disguised as  
GOOD BOY pretending to  
be PASSGASSO, emerges. He now wears PASSGASSO's  
robe, the cowl of which hides his face. His first words  
startle him)

GOOD BOY (TOBI) (Somehow no notices the missing limbs. ZETSU is planting some mines around the area.)

You have come here  
in pursuit of  
your deepest urge,  
in pursuit of  
that wish,  
which till now  
has been silent,  
silent . . .

I have brought you,  
that our passions  
may fuse and merge -  
in your mind  
you've already  
succumbed to me  
dropped all defences  
completely succumbed to me -  
now you are here with me:  
no second thoughts,  
you've decided,  
decided . . .

Past the point  
of no return -  
no backward glances:  
the games we've played  
till now are at  
an end . . .  
Past all thought  
of "if" or "when" -  
no use resisting:  
abandon thought,  
and let the dream  
descend . . .

What raging fire  
shall flood the soul?  
What rich desire  
unlocks its door?  
What sweet seduction  
lies before  
us . . .?

Past the point  
of no return,  
the final threshold -  
what warm,  
unspoken secrets  
will we learn?  
Beyond the point  
of no return . . .

Meanwhile, the ANBU are acting as the dancers, and ITACHI is among them.)

ITACHI (Mouthing these words.)  
I love dancing!

MINTY (DEIDARA is thinking 'Oh shit." )

You have brought me  
to that moment  
where words run dry,  
to that moment  
where speech  
disappears  
into silence,  
silence . . .

I have come here,  
hardly knowing  
the reason why . . .  
In my mind,  
I've already  
imagined our  
powers entwining  
deadly and silent -  
and now I am  
here with you:  
no second thoughts,

I've decided,  
decided . . .

Past the point  
of no return -  
no going back now:  
our passion-play  
has now, at last,  
begun . . .  
Past all thought  
of right or wrong -  
one final question:  
how long should they

wait, before  
they're one . . .?

When will the blood  
begin to race  
the sleeping bud  
burst into bloom?  
When will the flames,  
at last, consume  
us . . .?

BOTH  
Past the point  
of no return  
the final threshold -  
the bridge  
is crossed, so stand  
and watch it burn . . .  
We've passed the point  
of no return . . .

(By now the audience and the POLICE have realized  
that SIGNOR PEIN {No kidding} is dead behind the curtain, and it is  
the TOBI who sings in his place. DEIDARA  
knows it too. As final confirmation, the TOBI  
sings):

TOBI  
Say you'll share with  
me one organization, one team . . .  
Lead me, save me  
from my solitude . . .

(He takes from his finger a ring and holds it out to him.  
Slowly he takes it and puts it on his finger.)

Say you want me  
with you,  
here beside you . . .  
Anywhere you go  
let me go too -  
Deidara  
that's all I ask of . . .

(We never reach the word 'you', for DEIDARA {While whistling.} quite  
calmly reveals the TOBI'S face to the audience. As  
the FORCES OF LAW {?} close in on the luscious hair he has,  
the TOBI sweeps his cloak around him and  
vanishes.)

(HIDAN pulls the curtain upstage, revealing PEIN'S  
body garotted, propped against the bed, his head  
gruesomely tilted to one side. He laughs.)

HIDAN: Shoulda been a Jashinist!

TRANSFORMATION TO:

REVERSE VIEW OF THE STAGE  
(POLICE, STAGEHANDS, etc. rush onto the stage in  
confusion. Also: SUIGETSU, ITACHI, SASORI, KAKAZU, KONAN and HIDAN)

KONAN  
What is it? What has happened? Ubaldo!

SUIGETSU  
Oh, my God . . . my God . . .

ITACHI  
We're screwed, Suigetsu, screwed!

KAKAZU (to SASORI)  
Monsieur le Pimp! Come with me!

KONAN (rushing over to one of PEIN's bodies)  
Oh, my darling, my darling . . . who has done  
this ...?

(hysterical, attacking SUIGETSU)

You! Why did you let this happen?

(She breaks down, as PEIN's body is carried off on a  
stretcher)

KAKAZU  
Monsieur le Pimp, I know where they are.

SASORI  
But can I trust you?

KAKAZU  
I'm the only good guy in the Opera. But remember: your hand at the level of  
your eyes!

SASORI  
But why . . .?

KAKAZU  
Why? The Punjab lasso, monsieur. First Orochimaru.  
Now Pein.

HIDAN (holding up his middle finger.)  
Like this, monsieur. I'll come with you .

KAKAZU  
No, Hidan! No, you stay here!

(to SASORI)

Come with me, monsieur. Hurry, or we shall be too  
late . . .

Scene 8  
THE LABYRINTH UNDERGROUND/ZETSU IS ASLEEP

(Meanwhile, down below, we see the TOBI and  
DEIDARA in the boat, crossing the underground  
lake)

TOBI (furiously propelling the boat onwards)  
Down once more  
to the dungeon  
of my black despair!  
Down we plunge  
to the prison  
of my mind!  
Down that path  
into darkness  
deep as hell!

(He rounds on him, bitterly)

Why, you ask,  
was I bound and chained  
in this cold and dismal place?  
Not for any  
mortal sin, but the  
wickedness of  
my abhorrent face!

(He hears the offstage voices of the pursuing ANBU)

ANBU (offstage)  
Track down this murderer!  
He must be found!

TOBI (moving off again)  
Hounded out by  
everyone!  
Met with hatred  
everywhere!  
No kind word from  
anyone!  
No compassion  
anywhere!

Deidara, Deidara. . .  
Why, why . . .?

(SASORI and KAKAZU appear above. They make their way  
down, meeting a pack of rats. KAKAZU screams and lowers  
his guard. The rats and the RATCATCHER pass them.  
KAKAZU raises his hand again)

KAKAZU  
Potatoes scare me.

SASORI  
Those are rats.

ANBU (offstage)  
Your hand at the level of your eyes!

KAKAZU  
He lives across the lake, monsieur. This is as far as  
I dare go.

SASORI  
Kakazu, thank you.

(He turns to go back up the slope. SASORI looks at the  
water. He removes his coat and plunges in. The ANBU  
appears at the top of the slope. They come  
down to the lake edge, their torches flickering.)

ANBU  
Track down this  
murderer -  
He must be found!  
Hunt out this  
animal,  
who runs to ground!  
Too long he's  
preyed on us -  
but now we know:  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is there  
deep down below . . .

He's here: the Tobi of the Opera . . .

(They turn back up the slope. Perhaps there is another  
way in. The gate to the lair descends, as the rest of the  
lair appears.)

Scene 9  
BEYOND THE LAKE/WHACKED OUT BITCH

(The dummy of DEIDARA sits crumpled on a large  
throne. The TOBI drags DEIDARA roughly out of  
the boat. He frees himself and backs away as he stares  
blackly out front. Braving his terror, he addresses him  
fiercely).

DEIDARA  
Have you gorged yourself  
at last, in your  
lust for blood?

(no reply)

Am I now to be  
prey to your  
lust for flesh?

TOBI (Coldly)  
That fate, which  
condemns me  
to wallow in blood  
has also  
denied me  
the joys of the flesh . . .  
this face -  
the infection  
which poisons our love . . .

(He lakes the bridal veil front the dummy, and moves  
slowly towards him)

This face,  
which earned  
a mother's fear  
and loathing . . .  
A mask,  
my first  
unfeeling scrap  
of clothing . . .

(He places the veil on his head)

Pity comes  
too late -  
turn around  
and face your fate:  
an eternity of this  
before your eyes!

(They are almost touching. He looks calmly and coldly  
into his face)

DEIDARA  
This haunted face  
holds no horror  
for me now . . .

I commit thee to the abyss!

(Stabs the TOBI though.)

TOBI

Lo, I am slain… (Dies.)

(Behind the portcullis, SASORI climbs out of the water)

SASORI  
Sir, this is indeed  
an unparalleled delight!  
I had rather hoped  
that he would die.  
And now my wish comes true -  
you have truly made my night!

DEIDARA (pleading, grasping the bars of the gate)

Stay back!  
He might explode to enjoy art!  
Have you no pity?

(WHOLE OPERA HOUSE explodes in nuclear blast from the TOBI'S body. Offstage ZETSU laughs.)

DEIDARA (Burned to a tender golden brown.)  
Please, Sasori, it's useless . . . we will die.

SASORI  
I love him!  
Does that mean nothing?  
I love him!

ZETSU (snarls furiously at SASORI)  
The world showed no  
compassion to me! Because I at ate the flesh of my foes, I was exiled!

SASORI

What the heck are you doing here?  
Tell me why you are not backstage!

ZETSU (Mischievously.)  
Sure, sir. .

(He gestures, and a music stand rises. All eyes turn to him.)

Monsieur, I  
bid you welcome to the story!  
Did you think that  
I would harm a fly? I'm a fly trap.  
Why should I consider sins which  
are the worlds? I shouldn't.

Do I dare resurrect the Tobi? Yes….

(So saying, he takes a Punjab lasso and, before SASORI  
has a chance to move, catches him by the neck. The end  
of the rope, of which ZETSU has let go, remains  
magically suspended in mid-air)

(taunting)  
Order your fine horses now!  
Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes!  
Nothing can save you now -  
except perhaps Deidara . . .

(He turns to him)

Start a new life for him -  
Buy his freedom with your blood!  
Refuse, and you still will be a sacrifice!  
This is the choice -  
This is the point of no return!

DEIDARA (to ZETSU)  
The tears I might have shed  
for this dark art  
grow cold, and turn to tears  
of hate . . . My art is better than this!

SASORI (despairing)  
Deidara, forgive  
me please, forgive me . . .  
I did it all  
for you, and all for  
nothing . . .

DEIDARA (looking at ZETSU but to  
himself)  
Farewell  
my puppet pal  
and good friend . . .  
One by one  
I've watched  
illusions shattered . . .

ZETSU  
Past all hope  
of cries for help:  
no point in fighting - (Pulls out a katana.)

SASORI  
Either way  
you choose,  
he has to win . . .

ZETSU  
For either way  
you choose,  
you cannot win!

So, do you end  
your days here,  
or do you revive the dead?

SASORI (to ZETSU)  
Why make him die  
for you, to save  
me?

DEIDARA  
Angel of the Shadows . . .

ZETSU  
Past the point  
of no return - (Cuts Deidara's arm and releases some blood.)

SASORI  
Deidara, no!

DEIDARA (Flinching.)  
. . . why this torment?

ZETSU  
. . . the final threshold . . . Death will die…

SASORI  
GOOD GOD!

DEIDARA  
When will you see  
reason . . .?

ZETSU  
His life is now the prize  
which you must earn!

SASORI  
I fought so hard  
to free you . . . now we are going to die…

DEIDARA  
Angel of Darkness Revives . . .

ZETSU  
You've passed the point  
of no return . . . (Dumps blood unto summoning circle.)

And now the Tobi of the Opera shall live again!

DEIDARA  
. . . you deceived me -  
I gave my blood  
blindly . . .

ZETSU(to DEIDARA)  
You try my patience -  
you made your choice!

(He reflects for a moment, then with resolution moves the knife  
slowly to his hands.)

I think I will bring another back. (Slices down the top of his arm.)

DEIDARA (quietly at first, then with growing  
emotion)  
Pitiful creature  
of darkness . . .  
What kind of life  
have you known . . .?

God give me courage  
to show you  
you are not  
alone . . .

(Now calmly facing him, he stumbles towards ZETSU. They fight. SASORI watches  
in horror and wonder.  
ZETSU lakes a lighted brick and holds it  
above SASORI's head. A tense moment. But the  
suspended rope suddenly falls harmlessly - ZETSU has burned the thread by which the noose was  
held. Resigned, he addresses SASORI, as we hear the  
offstage voices of the approaching ANBU, horribly destroyed)

ANBU  
Some:  
Track down this  
murderer -  
he must be found!  
Hunt out this  
animal,  
who runs to ground!

Too long he's  
preyed on us -  
but now we know:  
the Tobi of the Opera  
is there  
deep down below . .

Others:  
Who is this monster,  
this murdering beast?  
Revenge for Pein!  
Revenge for Orochimaru!  
This creature  
must never go free . . .

ZETSU (Roar of the summoning really loud.)  
Now it is time! The summon complete! I bring back The Tobi of the Opera and Yondaime!

(SASORI and DEIDARA stare in wonder. Standing in the circle is YONDAIME, holding a bundle. He passes the bundle to ZESTU)

YONDAIME  
A Masquerade . . .  
Paper faces were on parade . . .  
A Masquerade . . .  
Hide your face  
so the world will  
never find you . . .

ZETSU

I will.

(He walks up to a fallen beam and walks up to the opera ruins above. He holds the bundle up to the new day's sun. The bundle's cloth slips a little, and a Baby TOBI is there. The "Circle of Life starts" playing.)

To the sun, may the new era begin.

(DEIDARA moans and dies.. . SASORI scoots away.)

ZETSU  
God, I love Opera . . .

SASORI (In the shadows.)  
Said he'd share with  
me, one  
team, one organization . . .  
said the word  
and I would follow him . .  
Share each day with me . . .

HIDAN (Coming into the area.)  
. . . each night . . .

BOTH  
. . . each morning . . .

ZETSU (Looking at the Baby TOBI.)  
You are alone  
and I can make your song take flight -  
it's over now, the music of the night . . .

(YONDAIME walks slowly towards the throne. He  
takes his place on it, putting on his cloak.  
The ANBU having followed HIDAN, appears above, climbing  
down the rubble. As the ANBU enters the lair, YONDAIME summons the annoying unicorn boys, as does ZETSU. The ANBU die from them saying "Hhheeeeyyy, Anbu, wake up sleepy heads!" HIDAN crosses over to ZETSU and peels back the TOBI's mask on his face. He laughs, smiling at the bundle, as the bundle giggles.)

BABY TOBI

Good Boy?

___**THE END.**_

**Cast and crew: **

Naruto Uzamaki/Itachi Uchiha as Firmin

Sasuke Uchiha/ Kisame Hoshigaki/ Suigetsu as Firmin

Sakura as a Filler

Hidan as Meg Giry

Sarutobi Sensei as That Old Director

Kakashi Hatake as Reyer the Conductor/Leferve the Musician

Deidara as Christine Daae

Sasori as Vicomte de Pimp

Kakazu as Master Giry

Hinata as the Chorus

4 Sounds as props crew

Orochimaru as Joseph Buquet

Konan as Carlotta

Pein as Piangi

Sand Siblings as odd persons

Tobi as the Tobi of the Opera

Anbu Black Ops as the Mob

Zetsu as the Director/ Awesome Dude

Yondaime as the Man/ Vice Director.

Gein/Kein as Back up copies of Piangi

Various Ninja as various roles

Jiraiya as Passgasso (Not said.)

Yoda as a Puppet

Chuck Norris as Baby Tobi

And all those I don't remember!

**Apologies to:**

Makashi Kishimoto, you are welcome at the cast party! Sorry for ruining the characters!

Sonata Arctica, your puppet song was great.

Cruxshadows You rock. Winterborn too.

Slipknot, not meaning to offend you with "Wait and Bleed."

Whoever made the Original Tobi of the Opera pic on Deviantart.

And of course, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Phantom Rocks.

To self: YOUR GRADES SUCK!

To the team: Sorry this took so long.

To the people who made Phantom of the Opera in 15 Minutes. I stole you stuff a lot.

**Thanks to:**

Myself. I'm half dead, and I wrote mostly during a class.

Pein, Thx for letting me stay after my Mom had that fit of sorts.

**NOW FOR THE PARTY! **

"Hey everyone! Thanks for coming tonight!" Zetsu said, standing up at the table. "As said by the author previously, thanks go out to all that he mentioned." He paused, clearing his throat. "And now its time for the awards. The awards please, guest of honor Makamoto." (Makashi Kishimoto.) "Here you go Zetsu." He said. Deidara spoke up. "Hurry up! The Clay sandwiches hurt a little!" Everyone laughed. "Anyway," Zetsu said, "The First category is best singer! The Nominees are Deidara for 'Wait, I'm Bleeding,' Tobi for 'I am Madara', and Sasori for 'Why I'm a Puppet.' Please wait… And the winner is Sasori!" Sasori accepted his award, and thanked them all. "Next we have the award for Best Comic Relief. The Nominees are Tobi, Pein, and Me, Zetsu. And the winner is… Tobi!" Tobi ran up, and gently took it. "Tobi was a funny boy!" He said. "Yes you are Tobi. Now sit down." Zetsu waited patiently. "Next, we have most Emo Actor, who automatically is Sasuke, because I have no patience. Also, the winner of the Shortest role is Sakura, with one line." Then Zetsu's phone rang. "Yeah? Really? Seriously? Fine." He said. "I got to go. However, Yondaime has a gag/blooper reel, along with the Opera on Film. Enjoy!" And then he left. It would have been safer had he not left, because soon Hidan had to sacrifice something, and chose the steak. The party soon erupted with a bang, as Deidara broke wind. Needless to say, this was not a happy ending.

THE END, for real.

Stay tuned for a Naruto Macbeth and Hamlet!


End file.
